(In Between Things)

I'm curious about the world's critical objective perspective about my high flying views on what this life really is. I'm reading a couple different scientific based books right now and it's fascinating to see what sort of thoughts they provoke. For example, a heart doesn't actually LOVE someone, it's the emotions that are connected from the brain..though, "heartache" is often physically felt in the heart region. Scientifically, they are discovering that mind and body work together, and yet, our language doesn't quite encompass these ideas. Also, the last few years I've been known to say things like, I'm open to whatever the universe is offering me, or, the universe will provide, and yet, scientifically the universe is a HUGE amount of space and it(?) has very little concern about insignificant little me. So what is it, then, that is guiding me in my life? The world is ever changing and things "fall into place" when we allow them to, but what is this phenomenon of existence that changes when I stop trying to control things with my resistance? Is it something bigger than me or is it simply my projections onto life. Where do these thoughts come from?

On Tuesday I finished a Skype call and grabbed the dog and my new little man and headed out the door to the dog park. I needed some fresh air and blue skies as well as the innocence of Bodhi's perspective on things. We enjoyed running through the dog park and looking at all the beautiful birds. On our way out of the park we found half of a (quail's?) eggshell and Bodhi was captivated. He held it as carefully as he could though he didn't always remember he was protecting such a fragile piece of nature. He dropped it just barely under my foot at one point when we were running downhill and I was so grateful I missed it! Later however, on the walk home, we weren't so lucky. Harry, our husky, ran around behind us and his leash tripped Bodhi from the back. Though Bodhi nearly fell face first into the dirt, his tears were not in physical pain but in the loss of his treasured egg. I immediately felt a connection with having let go of something precious and seeing the cracked egg among blades of grass made me want to cry with him. I sat holding Bodhi's hand as he bawled, crying out and trying to understand why it had to happen the way it did. I sympathized with him saying it can make us feel angry and sad when things don't go the way we want them to, and sometimes things end before we're ready to say goodbye.

 Eventually Bodhi was able to get up, though he insisted on collecting the larger pieces that still remained, cracked and broken as they were. We continued on with the eggshell carefully sitting in his hand. Bodhi began to notice and point out all the beautiful spring blossoms growing on the trees and wanted to collect them. He found pink ones, yellow ones, green ones, blue ones and purple ones. He picked a few of each as he found them and set them gently in his hand on and around the shell. At one point as we were walking, Bodhi looked up at me and said, "You know what? I'm not sad anymore," in his sweet five year old Australian accent. It was a precious moment of acceptance and peace. I breathed it in, grateful to work through my own emotions in his experience. It was purely amazing to experience the raw-ness of his emotional process which we don't often experience as adults because of apprehensions, embarrassment, responsibility for others and a whole lot of other b.s. that keeps us from living fully in ourselves.

 I finished a book recently called The Top Five Regrets of The Dying and from it created an acronym to help me remember the things I didn't want to end up regretting in my own life:
Allow your Happiness**
Live with Balance (aka: don't work too hard)
Invest in Your Loved Ones!!
Value your Emotions**
Embrace Yourself (for who you are)

 **Allowing happiness doesn't always come naturally and in order to let it in we first have to be open to the emotions we experience. Vulnerability is not valued in our culture, though it is the core to helping us understand ourselves. I wish we all had a chance to experience our own vulnerability in a safe place, (like my preschool classrooms!) where we could experience and process the tough emotions and revel and dance in the wonderful ones! This is one of my favorite things about working with children, they constantly live this way! Living with Bodhi gives me the opportunity to witness the purest form of disappointment as well as absolute joyous bliss! And the emotions pour through his whole being, as he is open to all the raw feelings he's experiencing. I am striving to allow this for myself. Especially because I know that when I do shine, I am sharing an amazing gift with the people I'm close to. I know there are certainly "dangers" to living with my heart on my sleeve, but I am much more interested in grounding into my deepest heartfelt* feelings than living in constant resistance of the enormity of life and all the connections I could miss out on if I wasn't open to loving fully and deeply every moment! (*Again, heartfelt - where do these emotions actually come from?) 

Carla has offered to help me finally learn guitar and I definitely plan to follow up on it. When she gave me my first lesson I decided to let my guard drop beneath my tapping toes and followed her lead as I rocked to the rhythm of the music with this new friend of mine who's found her way right into my heart. Each moment only exists once, and I plan to make every one count, no hesitation, no b.s! After tonight's jam with Carla and Scott's friends, I feel more certain than ever that music is essential to who I am and always will be. It confirmed that need musicians in my life to help me create the reality I love. It'll be fun to get into the live music that these small villages have to offer and to break my shell a bit as I offer my own gift of song to the world.

After Bodhi told me he wasn't sad anymore I sang him a bit of one of the songs I wrote while working out on the farm when I first came to Australia. He asked me if that was the one about, "every little thing's gonna be alright"? and I told him it was the same idea. We sang Three Little Birds together as we skipped under the tunnel beneath the train tracks, our voices echoing off the walls and people on the other end smiling at us as they passed. Music is a beautiful tool, as are our emotions, and fortunately, so much of the time, they end up hand in hand.

On The Road Again

In looking back over my pictures so many beautiful memories come to mind. It was really an incredible experience and what I took from it most of all was a sense of reverence for this gorgeous earth we share and a strong sense of peace within myself. Spending long hours in the car gave me lots of time to day dream and contimplate life and now, more than ever, I've become so aware of what a beautiful life I've lived, am living and the opportunites I have. Living in Australia has taken me so far out of my comfort zone and it's also an amazing jumping off point for new experiences and prospective roads to take from here. It's strange but I'm starting to feel comfortable in their culture and world- one small example is that it now feels natural to be on the other side of the road! I can also see where my American culture is part of who I am for the good, the bad and the comical! ("Really!?") And I've definitely picked up a few phrases.

Tangi, John, Cesar and I set out from Darwin in search of a promised hot springs. The first part of the trip felt a bit rushed. We had a lot of ground to cover and we all had a deadline on the other end and didn't really know how long it would take. We estimated miles and hours and daylight but in the end we also had to consider the roadblocks that were bound to challenge us in the middle of the outback with no towns for MILES! I'm really glad we all agreeed on being cautious in this way and thankfully everything (car-wise) worked out amazingly smooth! Our biggest issue was watching for kangaroos, cows and sheep on the roads. They were everywhere! We even saw an emu mama and her chicks!

We drove down into Litchfield National Park and began the beauty of the adventure. Litchfield has beautiful rivers and waterfalls. Because it gets so hot up there, the water wasn't that cold but it was definitely cold enough to wake you right up! At one of the waterfalls I couldn't help but feel challenged to join a group of boys who were jumping off the high cliffs into the clear, cool water. What a Rush! I feel like I'm that way about life again, jumping right in and knowing I'll land in an opportunity that will strengthen my character and leave me feeling the thrill of life!

We did find a hot springs but it wasn't what I imagined it would be. I didn't predict or project on any of the other places we visited after that and found myself so appreciative of the unique things each place had to offer. The hot springs was really fun. The water was being contained in a swimming-pool-like-river and was lovely and warm. My favorite part was the watersliding on my belly over the falls! The next leg of the journey was mostly admiring termite mounds, kangaroo and bird watching and awing the expanse of red dirt and rock covering everything we could see. We camped using our trusty "bible" that told us where free camping was along the road and lived off pasta and tinned veggies. It was nice to begin the trip with those lengthly drives. They gave us a chance to chat and get to know each other, take warm, cozy naps and share music. John had a fun Irish collection which everyone but Cesar loved. We promised him that by the end of the trip he'd love it too. (I think he was at least appreciative of it by the last day.)

I was so disappointed when they took all our fruits and veggies as we passed over the Western Australia border! Stupid customs, I think they should create a better system to suit their needs. There's so much food wasted! I had an apple in my backpack which I enjoyed the last day before we got to the coast. Broome, the first coastal town we pulled into, is gorgeous! We were all so grateful for a chance to relax on the sand and swim in the incredibly blue and clear Indian Ocean. We saw the first of many beautiful and clear sunsets on the west coast. It also felt good to be able to make a phone call again for the first time in a week. I checked in just to say I was safe but truly I was enjoying the retreat from modern technology. *

From Broome we started south. We pooled together ideas of places we definitely wanted to see after consulting the French copy of Lonely Planet Australia and John Elder, my personal travel agent. We explored some gorgeous coastal cliffs at Cape Gantheume where I went for the first of many "walk abouts," as the boys called them, exploring for hours. They were wonderful cliffs to climb on and I just lost myself in trying to capture the beauty in a photograph. I couldn't take enough and in the end, there's no way to hold onto that beauty but to savor the moment and hopefully the memory. These cliffs had clear dinosaur footprints in them that could only be seen at low tide. They were very cool! Amazing to feel so alive while exploring a place that was so, so very old. I had that experience several times during the trip, where I was just amazed to feel the value and incomprehensibility of existance and evolution of life on earth!

I think our next stop was Cape Kerudren where we unexpectedly came across a beautiful place to stop and spend the night. We watched a gorgeous sunset over the water right from our campsite and enjoyed a lovely dinner by candlelight (since we had nothing to build a fire.) The next morning Tangi was so hungover he couldn't move, so John took his fishing rod out and Cesar and I went for a stroll to the next beach. He couldn't walk on the sharp rocks with the shoes he had so we parted ways as I headed closer to the water. I found unbelievable tide pools! (I think that was the second of four times I was kicking myself for not having my camera with me when out for a walk!) They were stunning pools, filled with all sorts of life! I could've stayed there for hours but unfortunately the boys were waiting and I had no way to contact them. I just submerged myself in the experience of exploring it all and tried to take in the beauty and wonder of the underwater world! I'm absolutely fascinated by the diversity of undersea life which I know so little about and then I think about how much there still is undiscovered!