Save tonight, fight the break of dawn

I went to spend a few days on the farm down in Picton with the community to get a chance to experience their lifestyle and talk to some more people. I felt myself crack open a bit more letting walls down and inviting my new friends in. What an amazing thing it is to be in a place where I feel safe to be vulnerable in exposing who I am and what I'm thinking and how I feel. I haven't felt judgment or pressure from them in staying with them but not joining them and I'm so grateful for that. I feel I've grown exponentially as a person and I hope in the depths of my heart that I can not only hold onto what I've learned but continue to peel away the old layers and lay down a new, strong foundation from a genuine desire to be honest, compassionate and loving person. It's going to be so hard to pull myself away from these amazing people who I've fallen in love with individually and as a community. I predict many letters, envelopes and stamps in my future. And that's about all I know of my future right now! With less than two weeks left, I'm getting so excited about going home though I don't really have a plan from there! How exhilarating! (This sounds just like how I felt a year ago in preparation to come to Australia!! Everything turned out the way it needed to then, and I am learning to trust that it will continue to do so.)

At the farm I really enjoyed waking up to pick big, gorgeous, green greens!! They use silver-beet (chard), kale and broccoli greens in their amazing green drink and green bars. I also got to lend a hand in the green drink preparation- washing the greens and apples and weighing them into buckets. I got a blister chopping the apples and couldn't work out whether my mother would be proud for so much chopping or if I should've known better and held the knife differently! I went to the market one day selling fresh bread, green bars and green drink and it was 47 degrees!!!!! I could've melted! It was an amazing contrast to starting the day with the cool of the morning on the beach with the sunrise. Working in the cafe I thought of Mimi because this one woman was so grateful as she was leaving she touched my arm gently and patted it saying thank you. It was definitely something Mimi would do. I am very much looking forward to seeing my family!!

It's been so incredible to be living and loving with the depths of my heart turned out towards my new friends. It feels much like relationships in the past have felt. And like those, the point of severing is deeply painful. It's hard to break away from someone I've been welding myself around. We all want to be loved, and I know for me, I forget, initially, about the pain of pulling away when I discover that magnetism for the first time (..again.) The feeling is all too familiar and yet somehow I know I will pour my heart out again and again, it's just my nature. Sometimes I think it might be easier if I weren't such a sensitive and compassionate person -so I wouldn't have to feel the pain that couples it- But I couldn't live with myself being shallow like lonely ghosts of past experiences. I can only hope to cultivate like-minded people who would embrace me and share their hearts with me too. I remember when I discovered the word vulnerable it struck a chord in me explaining things I never understood. (I did a report on the word itself for an English class.) I wish for the world to learn how to love deeply and practice compassion and forgiveness. And truly, I hope to continue to grow in these ways myself.

There's only 8 days until my flight..and much to do! And so many people I want to spend time with and learn from and continue to share my love with. I barely have a minute to myself because I'm so engaged soaking up the wonderful experience of being here and yet it's a balance trying to deal with the logistics of getting home smoothly. Auntie K was so helpful in my departure, I'm channeling her as I prepare to return home. It was wonderful to have lunch with my adopted friends from Steph in Sydney and they were even able to help me through a bit of a travel hiccup. And I introduced Justine to the ways of central station!

There's so much more I want to share but I'd rather spend my precious last moments with my friends here and save the stories for a cuppa tea! One of the men in the community is leaving today to go back to the farm and he's been an amazing support in my journey. This morning a Russian couple led a handful of us in some yoga which was entertaining as well as a great way to start the day! I'm happy I stuck around hoping Sarah's bubba would wake up because they brought out a delicious gluten free, vegan, raw chocolate moose cake to share! Best way to start the day! Eat dessert first! Hopping over to the cafe now. Love to everyone back home..see you soon!!

Sometimes I only get a sliver of ya...

Tonight Havah asked if I wanted to go home early and spend time with Tikvah and the children (instead of cleaning up in the cafe, which I ended up doing at the house anyway, but that is the life of community -and it's especially encouraging to be able to do it with a willing heart.) As I walked out the door of the cafe and across the road I caught sight of a gorgeous white crescent hanging in the evening sky. I ran back to invite my friends to enjoy it as well, parading them from the kitchen out the front door grabbing people along the way as we went. Out under a few twinkling stars, (and jupiter) Caleb recalled the night when he was young that he first grasped the concept of the moon as a sphere. As he encouraged Havah to notice the shadows from the dark side of the moon, I imagined what it would look like through Jock's telescope. I was reminded of my childhood moon experiences and the wonderful books that I loved so much, Goodnight Moon, Owl Moon and my all time favorite to read with Mimi: Papa, Bring The Moon for Me. I slipped into the memory of snuggling up in Papa's lounge chair with all the lights off except the one shining behind his beautiful stained glass in the living room. Those days had to have been the best of my life.

As I walked home on the right side of the road, against traffic for only a short time longer, I tried to keep the moon in sight. It was as if we were walking home together, side by side. The curiosity came up again of whether everyone sees the same moon- though it wouldn't be at the same time. I quietly sang one of my favorite songs, thinking of home and the quickening progression of days until my time here is up. Today I was considering if I would regret staying with the community until I fly but I realized in order to have regret I would need to be deciding between two choices. As far as I've thought ahead, I don't really want to be anywhere else because I'm so engaged in what I'm doing here. It's like I've already moved on from Australia and I'm in a totally different realm in between my transition home. I do realize I could experience and enjoy the benefits of this life in many different places around the world and the work would be the same. All I know is that I'm happy and safe with wonderful friends, learning incredible things about myself and the human condition and I don't want to be anywhere else but here right now.

On my trek, I stopped occasionally to adjust my eyes to the dark from the street lights and admire the bright sphere in the sky, it's entire circumference of a shadow prominent against the sky. I admired the changing colors of the sunset from the orange on the horizon, fading to yellows and greens, into the many layers of blue up through to the deep darkness of the universe surrounding the white sliver in the night. Not fully dark, the sillouttes of many Australian trees painted the landscape against the colorful background of day's end. Nature is such an incredible thing and I'm in such an amazing place to experience it! At lunch we talked about a time when the world didn't have cities but was focused on surviving the wild and creating enduring relationships. It was a simpler time, we imagined, and we wished to live that way- out of the demands of modern technology and trends and a push for going faster, harder, stronger, more! The life they live here attempts release from those demands and encourages deep relationships with the strife of life being primarily internal, within a safe environment of constant support and love. Nish barah told me today (after a conversation we had about getting stressed and overwhelmed over cafe things) that I am here to help her. As a different person with a different perspective, we need each other to learn and grow. It's so amazing that we can truly be support to each other without debt or expectation except to love. Somehow they've come to trust me and it's like my dad said, even though I'm not be joining them, they've still accepted me as Part of them. I really desire their way of life. The simplicity of it, the foundation for increasing one's self, the relationships of true friendship and love and the attempts to be as natural as possible, honoring the earth and the gifts provided. I love their life but I don't have their faith. I'm so eager to continue learning from them though. They're an amazing people with a beautiful vision and they've all found their purpose in life and I admire them for that. I'll continue to contemplate my own as I strive to work through my inequities and become the best person I can be!

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Oh what a beautiful morning... Today instead of a teaching, Israel encouraged everyone to head to the garden and do a big weed push! It was a gorgeous way to start the day. In the fresh air, all together in the shade of the trees (where the cockatoos were screeching!) twenty men, women and children squatted, kneeled and hunched over the beds filled with tomatoes, rocket, silverbeet (chard), basil, lettuces of all sorts and kale! I very much enjoyed reaching deep within the tomato beds, my nose filled with the sweet scent of basil. I bid good morning to each little lady bug and squealed at the shock of grabbing a slug! We worked until cafe duty called and then some of the sisters and I ran inside to wash the dirt from under our nails, leaving the rest of the community to finish the job. Today I'm heading to the farm for a few days until the tribal gathering this weekend! I'm looking forward to talking with more people, making new friends and strengthening beautiful relationships. I'm so happy to be really alive and experiencing this gorgeous day!

(Fun fact: rubbing on the juice from a lemon wedge is an awesome natural deodorant!)

Time for you to go out to the places you will be from

While I've taken this train ride many times, going above the Blue Mountains feels like flying above a rainforest. Such a thick range of beautiful green forest with true blue sky holding it in place. It's truly a stunning view that I'm definitely going to miss. Three weeks now until my flight home and I'm surprised at my mixed emotions about it. I've been acknowledging the possibility of extending my visa for another year when it was just a month ago I was considering moving my flight up to go home early. I guess that's what true friendship does. Natzhar described it perfectly as falling in love and walking away. The familiar curiosity comes up of whether it's possible to have my heart in more than one place. Is that greed? indecisiveness? a desire for acceptance anywhere and everywhere fighting lack of self confidence? It was funny when Ohevi replied to my request for very simple clear instructions about a direction he gave me, that I act so confident so he doesn't think to talk to me in such a way (simply like with a child) but really, "inside, you're banana." Perfect description of how I quite often feel, even if I am good at fulfilling the given role I play.

Living with the community has been such an emotionally and spiritually amazing conflict of my heart and values. There are some deeply provocative considerations which contradict things I have rooted into my belief system that they encourage me to accept. And somehow, amazingly, I am able to find understanding and truth in what they say. Am I being naive? narrow-minded? ignorant? Or is everyone else on this planet truly lost? What a harsh reality to live in, being asked to consider that things I've been brought up believing are actually under the power of something dark and persuasive to keep me from fulfilling my true purpose in this life. I'm so grateful for the opportunity to have this experience because I'm discovering so many deep seeded struggles I'd like to overcome in order to be a better person. I've become aware that it's a life long process of discovery, humility, and neediness of genuine friends and absolute forgiveness and love. I've had some very humbling experiences in the last couple days with a couple of the brothers leading me to recognize that having true, merciful friends is one of the most rewarding ways to learn to love (myself and others.) I'm finding the struggle to be so incredible as I continue learning what I'm made of and considering who I want to become. I don't know that I could go through this process in the world without the grace of this community of people who strive daily to overcome all their iniquities and be the light they were created to be. They have amazing forgiveness, experience, ability to talk openly and hear each other. The respect, support and true friendship is unbelievable. I'm so grateful to be living with them right now.

I had SUCH an amazing time with them in Woodford too. I was so engaged in the process of learning about myself, I may as well have been making 600 chicken skewers a day for masses of people on the moon instead of at a huge folk festival. I did go to a few fun performances and talks but I was much more interested in getting muddy elbow deep in the spiritual garden of my soul. (I loved Rivkah saying, "You really wear your heart on your elbow.") There was much conflict of perspectives and understanding and I was over-filled daily with rich soul food. I really reveled in the experience of speaking my heart to new (and true) friends who helped me sort out the swirl of questions I didn't even realize I had. Amazing how much it helps to open up and express what I'm experiencing to work through it. We stayed up late working hard and woke up early in the immediate heat of summer to begin again. It was fascinating to watch the constant flow of fairy jizz fanatics flow down the row of stalls full of earthy new age materialism. The new year fire show was fun to watch and the 3 minute silence in honor of those lost was a powerful experience especially as the bell gonged to break the silence and every molecule of the atmosphere from the top of the grassy hillside vibrated with the eruption of enthusiastic cheering. I saw some friends from my travels and lived off our amazing green drink made on the farm down south. They even had tango at the festival! It was a very dynamic and diverse experience of people, music, food, lessons and heart. I love how such simple tasks can bring two open hearted people so close. I really enjoyed working with Rivkah, Natzar, Elahav, Havah, Sehkel, Simchah, Malilah, Anivah, Joseph, Shemuel, Ohevi and alongside the rest even if we only crossed paths briefly in our busy-ness. (Their names are Hebrew and I'm not positive on all the spellings.)

I find the contrast of the trips up to Woodford and back home to the mountains amazing. It was a comedy of a trip up (literally, while listening to Bill Cosby, Dane Cook and another I don't remember) where I discovered at a petrol station that I'm literally on my last legs financially (though I'm still stable, loved ones, thank you!) and encountered unbelievable names of roads and towns (like "The Clump Rd." and Wee Waa and Coonabarabran-which my rideshare dubbed "aboriginal cereal") and found out that some Australians call redheads "'rangas" (short for orangutan!) and actually saw the word "Crickey!" used on a billboard. Then the tragedy of the ride home, deep in my emotions contemplating what life really is meant to be, sleeping on the shoulders of two girls I've fallen in deep friendship with and have to say goodbye to, getting lost at Byron Bay while looking at giant metre long guaunas, passing up opportunities to swim in the gorgeous waves of the pacific to spend time twisted up in my heart and mind, and eating as much junk, sugar and oily fats as possible because it's a once a year experience for them- bleh! But of course there's much to learn from all experiences and if it weren't for the negatives, which really clarify the positives, how would we grow in life?

We made it home safely after a jostling 24 hour period of travel and slept most of the next day. It was wonderful to come "home" where I was welcomed happily along with everyone else. There were banners, signs and gift baskets filled with fresh baked cookies, fruit, goodies from the market, fizzy juice and cards and balloons. What wonderful friendship and love they have to offer and share. The house was filled with more baskets overflowing with delicious summer fruits: cherries, grapes, mangos, apricots, peaches and nectarines. And now we're back to work in the cafe and continuing to work on our hearts. I miss the people from the farm though. Hopefully we see them soon, we might have a tribal gathering next weekend. Which will push Sarah's baby's dedication back again but that's okay, it just gives me more time to finish my knitted basket!

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Yeesh! It's soo hot and it's only 7am! I guess it doesn't help that I went for an unplanned run followed by speed walking all the way to the train station. Halfway to the station I realized I forgot to leave the yummy fudge brownies I had for my amazingly generous friend Jock who put me up last night. It was actually a blessing in disguise because I'd missed my turn on the way to the station, so going back I was able to see that. I set my backpack just behind someone's front wall and ran the two blocks up the hill with his treats and then sprinted back to my bag. Oh the fun adventure brings! Anyway, I'm hoping on an early train because we're having a tribal gathering today!!
^Or at least that's what I thought! It was actually a "push" with all hands on deck to help the people at the woolshed get ready for their opening day. It was hard, rewarding work. Great to see some good friends and make some amazing progress physically and emotionally. I also successfully collected a grand total of 33 mossie bites!! Ahhhhhh!!!

This weekend I met Kerry and her wonderful girlfriends at the Sydney Olympic Park to watch the Australia Open. I didn't really know much about tennis on the professional level until we stayed at her house for the cotton harvest and she watched it all the time! She, Ben and I had a couple fun games on her dirt court in the front yard. It was fascinating to watch a whole, unedited athletic match. The muscles on those women are so incredible. I miss being so athletic. It's hard to be when I can't keep in place long enough to join a team of any sort. Maybe I'll look into it when I get home in three weeks!!! I'm working on sorting out my things and consolidating everything so I can get home most efficiently. It's an exhilarating time and I am so grateful for my experiences! I could keep sharing the details for hours but I have to run to the cafe. Guess I'll just have to share the fun stories over tea in a few weeks! I have no idea what life will be like when I get back but I'm looking forward to a new start with a new perspective on life, though I know I'll be sad to say goodbye here! ~ Every new beginning is from some other beginnings end. ~