This is the Sound of Settling, bah bah!

My autocorrect changed the word settling to seeking. I guess that's more the category I'm in right now anyway. I was attempting to settle but am realizing that it's not really what I want. I loved my adventure and am eager to keep exploring! The world, my spirit, my soul! There's much to be discovered! It's been quite a blessing though to return to the open and loving arms of so many wonderful people who did not forget me while I was gallivanting across Australia's countryside. It's a beautiful reminder of the life I had before I left and the values that attracted such amazing people. While I know I'm looking out with a completely new set of shades, I still am who I am. I feel empowered about my values, friendships, aspirations and journey. And I am so grateful for the incredible support I've received in returning "home."

I spent the first couple weeks adjusting to the time zone and reconnecting with my loving family in the Bay Area. I'm absolutely amazed at how brilliant my guide-daughter is!! She's not even two yet and she's incredibly in tune with the world. She and I had a twenty minute conversation (no joke!) dissecting the song Hush Little Baby. Astounding little person. And I love her so! It's also been great to connect with the rest of my family. They're all still the same wonderful people they've always been and yet a year plays quite a role in a persons life. I know I've also shifted as well and it's good to reestablish those relationships. There is still much to learn from these people who are the foundation of my life. And much to understand about who I am because of what they've passed on to me!

The physical exploration of opening boxes I sealed a year ago has perfectly reflected the dynamics and relationships I'm revisiting now in Ashland. I was apprehensive upon my return and it wasn't until the woman transporting me from Berkeley took the wrong exit leading us to drive all the way through town by the main street that I understood those emotions. I was washed over with a wave of my memories and experiences from within every crevice of this sweet little town. A year ago I packed up everything and left to find myself. I basically boxed up who I was and either sold it or put it in storage for later examinations to go dive into the rest of my adventurous spirit! I don't know that I've "found myself" but I've certainly evolved into a new woman with nourishment from my roots being in all kinds of experiences. So returning to the life of the person I was before has been a fascinating process to examine. I'm really establishing that which is still part of who I am and recognizing what I can let go of. And it's a huge relief!

I am thrilled to say that tango has happily embedded itself into my heart and blossomed in a wonderful way! I feel strong, grounded and graceful in my dance and it was amazing to experience at Valentango this past weekend. I came into the weekend feeling like it was another adventure waiting for me to hop on board and had little expectations beyond that. I am incredibly grateful that the foundation of my experience was with three incredible women in very small spaces (a car, a hotel room, a cluster of chairs in a crowded ballroom.) I opened my heart to these ladies and embraced theirs as well! There were many stories, much laughter and song, exorbitant goofiness and a deep nourishing presence of love and support throughout the weekend. Going out to dance was the cherry on top of an already scrumptious sundae! Tango has some intense dynamics to it, which I am fortunately conscious of and I was able to face and absorb them. I enjoyed some incredible dances; I actually don't think I had any bad tandas. There was one night of dancing that was just okay, but the evening itself was thick with it's own treasures. I'm in a beautiful space of recognizing the "good" as well as the "bad" as beneficial to my growth and understanding. And I'm so grateful for my experiences and processing, especially with the support of the amazing women in my life. I also enjoyed making new friends at the festival and connecting with people I'd only briefly encountered before. I loved the excitement of getting ready with the girls, the thrill of the cabeceo connections, the swooning scents captured in each breath against my partner's body, the immense satisfaction of connection with heartbeat and bassline, and the absolute ridiculousness of dancing myself silly until 6am. As I've slowly come down from my festival high, I've been dreamily contemplating all the tango adventures of my future. I'm also loving catching up with the amazing Ashland tango community who I shared so much of my life with before I left!

I'm currently in the adventure of sorting through my old life and planning my new one. Where do I want to land and get a job? Do I really need these jars? Where should I print the pictures for my Australia scrapbook? Could all this dust kill me!? Would you like to dance? What should I make for breakfast? Have I been drinking enough water? Where are my pants!? Haha, yup, that's my life right now! Amusing, soothing and ridiculously perfect. I love where I am at and the ideas I have about where I'm headed (even if they are as fluffy and translucent as the bubbles in the bath.) Life in Ashland is beautiful right now and that's all I can ask for!

If you're in Ashland this weekend come by my yard sale on 5th St. where I'm offering treasures in exchange for currency to fund the most current adventures of my life!

What can make me feel this way, My Girl!

The hardest thing about traveling was:
Coming back.

It's unreal how much my perspective has changed and returning to "my old life" has been a bit shocking. I suppose it's not all that different from culture shock, it just that these are my homegrown perspectives and choices that I've submerged myself into (again.) It's amazing to me the things I've taken for granted or accepted blindly because I grew up in the nature of it, understanding it as normal. It's very refreshing to have an outside perspective on the culture, traditions, beliefs and desires of the life I was living. Being immersed in another culture and experiencing so many different ways that individual human beings choose to live and love was absolutely fascinating.

While actually "living someone else's life"(see: Somebody That I Used to Know) is not preferable as a permanent lifestyle, it does create a chance for insight and reflection on my own choices and beliefs. And obviously it gives me a chance to build on my understanding of the world, from what a Celiac needs to pay attention to in order to care for herself, to drinking vinnie as a means of daily immune support, or cutting roses before the bud so it can grow properly. Basically living in other people's worlds, which ironically are all coexistent on One Planet, broadens my understanding of humanity. It's an extremely large burden/gift (depending on your perspective) to accumulate so many perspectives making me realize the true meaning of: The more you know, the less you know. In this case it feels like: the more you experience the more confusing it is to define what's "right." But it's like my friends at Common Ground said, the most important thing is to follow your heart. I've come to understand that when faced with a multitude of options, I have personally preferred to have a little of each..this doesn't always translate well and I realize my personal truth can only be found by slowing down to listen and trust what I feel is right for me. The beautiful part of that is I also know that everyone else is also entitled to their own truth.

Being in the Bay Area has presented a lot of pressure from "The system." The need to get a job and Be someone has created some anxiety after being in a place where I was experiencing life in a community with "one heart, one mind, one soul." I joined them in making the same recipes, listening to the same music, wearing the same style of clothes, pursuing the same goals. Somehow it was amazingly satisfying to feel part of something with no pressure to prove myself in any superficial ways; only to share my true character openly with trust and the hope to increase in the places where I felt inadequate. Having the focus of everyday be an underlying desire to learn to love and respect the people around me was the best challenge I've ever encountered.

Theres a shiny green hummingbird flitting around the the corner of the backyard! I love the transition to springtime! I've been spending most of my time playing with my sweet guide-daughter, going for gorgeous walks through the neighborhood, picking up cooking techniques, catching up with loved ones and dealing with icky but necessary business-y type things. We took Maren and her playmate to little farm in Tilden Park and fed all the animals earlier in the week. I was pleasantly reminded of the beauty of the Bay Area and all it has to offer in wilderness and landscape. I've spent evening chatting and reflecting on life with my dad until all too late in the night! And had some interesting circumstances with unexpected (and unwanted) visitors! My aunties and I tried to stand together against sugar (replacing dessert one night with fresh cheesy chive biscuits (!?)) and yet we've all failed. There are just too many yummy treats around, especially at Trader Joe's!!

It is wonderful to be back home and really reconnect with some of the most awesome people in my life. I've found my new perspective so valuable in understanding what a true friendship really consists of. Being able to talk non-stop, except for erupted fits of giggling or a pause to reflect on stories is just as fun as silently sharing the space to gaze quietly into nature. Friendship is about being connected and engaged. My favorite form of being connected so far are the welcome back hugs!!!!!! I've also begun to better understand the treasures friends are as mirrors, sounding boards, supporting blocks and stars to reach toward! It's humbling to embrace the understanding that there will always be someone "better" or "worse" at something I can do, but as long as I am truly doing my best, I can feel grounded in it. Having acceptance for each other and embracing differences is the happiest way I can imagine a relationship would flourish.

~*~*~
My dad and I just watched Remember The Titans -which is an incredible movie if you haven't seen it! When I see/read/hear stories about the civil rights movement, I often feel that I wish I had been there. Really though, I am part of that movement, today! The civil rights movement of ALL cultures, religions, races, genders, couples and families to be respected and treated equally. This is obviously not the 1950's. We need everyone to realize that a human is a human is a human; and the heart loves the way it loves; and the spirit is guided in faith; and individual strengths shine beyond physical appearance. I believe in the depths of my heart that the movement of this age is soaring toward unity! President Obama is an inspiration to the world in leading a steadfast nation of extreme diversity to overcome fears and discomfort and to accept the realities of change and progression. I am proud of my father's heritage, I am proud of my mother's leadership, I am proud of my aunties' love, and I am proud of my sisters' faith. My family is rooted in love and I am so grateful for that foundation. I know it is greatly inspired by the unconditional warmth and acceptance of my great grandma Ruby. Her heart still shines today in all her children, her grandchildren, her great-grandchildren and even her great-great-grandchildren! And it will continue to shine and sparkle for years to come as we pass on her legacy by embracing each of our family members and loved ones with the honor every human heart is made of, in the spirit of a consistent, flowing, outpouring of love!

Memories, all alone in the moonlight

My trip is over but my heart is still in Australia. The last few days with my friends, once the drama of whether or not I was actually leaving subsided, were wonderful. They were so supportive of me and grateful for my friendship and time with them. They were flexible as I got everything sorted and encouraged me to follow my heart in all I did. All the sisters took me out for Indian one night, leaving the cafe to the brothers to clean up- for which I was SO grateful!! We had an amazing dinner and wonderful time together. There was lots of sharing and laughter and ridiculous circumstances. We discovered we preferred the masala lassie as a dip, not a smoothie; We ran like crazy people across the road and into the shop before it closed to get ice creams; we laughed at Yeled who wandered down as we ate, staring at the window front and smiling (but not even noticing us inside we found out later!); and enjoyed the quiet of the night in the mountains as we ate our gaytimes and contemplated the infinite universe. The day before I left I went for a swimming lesson with the children, Asher and Tsedek and even got a lesson myself! I was so grateful for the small bits of guidance I never got but always wanted as a swimmer. Then after hot cups of soup back at the cafe, Havah, the heart of the kitchen, was allowed to take me for a bush walk that's been on my mind for months.

We took the beat up old chugger and Havah worked her way through the mountains and up narrow neck road until we found the golden staircase. We'd packed snacks and lunch and plenty of water and other than my camera we were alone in the vast wilderness. It was a gorgeous walk, the scenery changing every hundred steps or so, and the weather was perfect! We stopped frequently to admire the precious creatures and plants with their sweet ways. It was wonderful to be submerged in creation and have an opportunity to talk about anything and everything without interruption. At the bottom of the golden staircase we reached the path leading us to the ruined castle. (There must be a children's book about this place somewhere, and if not, I'd like to change that!) We made a friend at the peak with the most captivating yellow eyes and shared a bit of our food with him, though he wasn't very generous in return to the fat lizard who scurried up the rock next to him to eat the onion he'd left. There was also one other person near the top who surprised us when he told us it was quarter to five! We had to get a move on and scurried along ourselves back to the car park! Being quite distractible in nature, there were many stops nonetheless. At one point we encountered a camper in his thirties trying to light a camp fire and had a friendly conversation. Apparently Havah was scared out of her wits that he was going to come after us! It was amusing to me to see her face and raised walking stick as age frequently looked back to make sure we were safe. It certainly made for a hilarious story back at the cafe!

Once we huffed and puffed our way back to the top and realized there was still a couple hours of daylight left, we decided to do some exploring in the Megalong Valley. As we drove down the dirt track from narrow neck I sat in the window looking out into the vast valley. We passed a man who suggested it was more comfortable on the roof, so Havah pulled over and we both got up there to look. The Blue Mountains are stunning and I knew I would be sad to leave them. We realized Havah didn't actually have her Learner's license on her so I drove and she navigated. Our next stop was Mermaid's Cave where we walked under a magical waterfall at the bottom of a stairway in the rocks which seemed to lead to the enchanted forest. We appreciated the color and coolness of the atmosphere and the ancient trees growing from the stoney ground. We decided we'd like to see the sunset from the top instead of wander through the valley so we charged back up to the car and saw the last tinge of daylight glowing on the treetops. We hopped back in the car and encouraged our little beater as we chugged up the hill. Back on the top we took a left into the fading sunlight and rushed (safely (..enough)) towards the lookout point at the edge of the cliffs. We occasionally got a glimpse through the trees at a lit pink sky, encouraging enough that we still had a chance to catch the sun before it was gone for the day! We flew down the road and around the bend just in time to see the hot pink light slip behind the cliffs, blessing us with my final Australian sunset. We cheered and celebrated hopping out of the car and through the bush to the cliff side where we admired the blazing colors illuminating the sky, a brilliant pink lining encrusting the clouds above the horizon. It was a most perfect end to the day.

We returned to a very quiet house where we discovered we were the only ones with a vehicle and needed to deliver dinner to the cafe workers! So we loaded up the car again, this time with veggie sticks and hot soup! After a bit of a scolding for taking the generous invitation to be back before midnight too seriously, we joined the others in dinner. I had my first full serve of cafe nachos (after dishing up hundreds of plates for other customers) and enjoyed an apple mac (apple macadamia crumble) for dessert. Tsedek called it salvation material and recalled his own experience sitting where I sat a month earlier. I had The Prince and The Pauper in hand and cafe music dancing in the background with friends all around me, happy and thankful for life. I had come to the conclusion, just a day before, that though I didn't really want to leave, maybe it was time to go be with my family again. I knew in my heart I was going to feel connected to the cafe even once I went out the door.

The morning of Thursday, February 7th, I had a few loose ends to tie after breakfast with my community family. I had an inspirational conversation with Israel before saying goodbyes at the house and even got a phone call in to the farm to send my love down there as well! It was for the best that he and I talked so long because I imagine it would have been difficult to extend such long and heart wrenching goodbyes to people I've become so connected to in love and friendship. They sent me with a package of yummy treats and food for the plane (thank goodness) and Havah made me one last amazing Havah-smoothie. I offered hugs and gratitude all around and pulled myself out the door to the car. Derushah and I had an incredible conversation on the way to the airport and I was so grateful for her support and encouragement. I check in smoothly, feeling excited that the rearranging Havah and I did the night before allowed me to fit everything in just two checked bags!! The weight on both was 22.5 kilograms!! And the max was 23. Perfect!! Derushah waited with me until I had to board and with a big hug we said goodbye. I headed through customs smoothly followed by security (who took my unfortunately-misplaced leather man from me!! What a disappointment that was!) and caught the back of the line boarding to San Francisco. I sat in my seat at the waaay back contemplating whether I was really doing "what was on my heart" to do. I also considered the many many things I hadn't done in my rush to pack and leave so last minute! I suppose I will be forgiven and if not, I'll discover some true colors. Anyway, I had a Whole Row of four seats to myself! This meant that after dinner and movie (and The Office!!), I sprawled out across those empty seats and curled up in my Comfort Blanket (thanks Auntie! That thing was an amazing travel companion all through my journey!) and went to sleep at about 8pm Oz time, 1am SF time, and slept for about 8 hours! Perfect. I woke up the next morning at 8:30am on Thursday, February 7th, an hour before landing.

Customs was a breeze, though I didn't even realize I was smuggling in a peach I'd forgotten about! Then I got turned around and was heading towards connection flights and had an adventure exploring the airport. Eventually I found the international arrivals lobby and tried to work out if I'd actually told anyone when my (new) flight arrived! It didn't help that the flight was early so I decided to just wait it out. Eventually my dad showed up with flowers and balloons and a big hug! It began a day of very surreal feelings of being back in the States. I kept getting confused about being on the left and had a couple of close ones with people! Our first stop was meant to be about my cell phone, working out technical details and considering things like a job and taxes for two countries. Bleh! We got a Jamba Juice and sat outside in the chill of the Bay Area Winter. I had to really judge myself in Trader Joes not to get all my favorite snacks and treats! I did choose some peanut butter pretzels though, yum! When we got home we settled in a bit, then went for a bike ride! Again, there was a subtle level of culture shock of sorts regarding the Right side of the road And the chilly weather.

We spent the rest of the day working out technicalities of "real life" and having conversations about my experiences away. After a most perfectly cooked Papa Murphy's dinner, I knew I couldn't keep my eyes open any longer. I wasn't looking forward to waking up alone after being in a house full of people every day for the last month. It wasn't helpful that it was totally cold either! I realized that although my sleep schedule shifted in a conveniently easy way, it still felt like waking up at 9 was actually waking up at 4am. I'm feeling a bit slow today and missing my friends and life back in the mountains, but looking forward to seeing my sweet baby girl, Maren. And it is wonderful to see all the familiar buildings and places where I've spent the many years of my life growing, developing and changing into the person I am today. We'll see how I go driving Dad's truck through the busy Bay Area traffic back on the other side of the road.