In the spring I'd gathered with a group of three other women and we did some spiritual/emotional, personal reflection work together with a workbook; this would soon prove to provide enormous support in my desire to have intimate friendships with women, something I'd struggled with most of my life. At the completion of this work it became clear to me that I was ready for some big changes, more importantly, some big commitments. Applying to Dominican University (for the second time since high school) was a way for me to clarify what I truly desired; in the meantime I needed to wrap up my associate of science degree in early childhood education at Rogue Community College. While part of me was prepared to put my desire to run my own preschool to sleep, there was a huge need for the many years of homework, tests, and practicum to amount up to something significant. I hounded through several required classes through my first Ashland summer (completing homework by the pool made the laws of physics only slightly more palatable) and continued through my move down to the Bay Area. I completed my degree in December 2014. Following the hope that Dominican would accept me, I then proceeded with the required prerequisites for their program; it seemed the days of homework would never end- 5 more years of it?? ugh.
Well, Dominican did accept me (again), and they said I could start in the fall if I took anatomy and physiology and art and health ethics over the summer. Did I mention my lack of funding for this project? Everyone kept saying that taking out loans for school is an investment in yourself. In my mind it was a ginormous investment no matter who was benefitting, but something in my heart was determined to continue. I did opt to defer my enrollment so I could take on the sciences with space to breathe - turned out chemistry was a requirement as well, and I'm glad I spread it all out. Instead I spent the summer in a program that has proved to be the greatest investment in myself so far.
This reflection on what the last few years of my life have been like and where I am now started in my car driving home. In high school -9 years ago- one of my closest friends and I made a set of cds, compiling all our friend's favorite songs. There were ten of us in the group and man! did we have different taste in music! I think it came out to a womping 8 cd compilation of rock, rap, country, pop, classic, oldies, newbies, woobies... all in no-particular order. It's actually pretty humorous to listen to. And yet, after so many trips up and down the I-5 making trips from home to what became "home," I know almost all the words to most of the songs to this day. Music is a powerful thing. Even just listening to the songs brings sweet thoughts of days that feel far behind me, and friends who I held dear at a pivotal time in my life. Today my CDs are mainly audiobooks, but I'll still pop in a mix tape every once in a while.
Having just spent the evening of fourth of July with my dad, contemplating the point of the holiday earlier with a friend who was raised in France, I found myself considering that every day is a day to celebrate. I have so much to celebrate and be grateful for. I want to find a way to focus more on the present and less on what wasn't and isn't and what may or may not be. I'm learning that authenticity is key to gratitude is key to happiness. I've declared that my life's purpose is to be authentic and live from my heart. I am truly doing my best; and my best is always good enough. "Time moves so fast, there's no time for perfection," -thanks Brett Dennen, I think this should get this tattooed to my forehead.
