You can't hide, spinning under these stars; They know everything, they know where you are

How amazing to be engaged in a life I once was fully a part of and am now re-entering as a new creature with new perspectives and goals. It’s unbelievably difficult to look in from the outside of situations I was once submerged in and witness the tangled knots and danger lurking about when there is absolutely nothing I can do but stand back and observe; continuing to absorb lessons to apply to my own choices in life. I can offer the support and love to good friends as they struggle through, deeply understanding that everyone is on their own journey, reaching for their own stars. In tango we all strive to be the best we can be, as best we know how. In any one dance, I could believe that my partner is giving his absolute best, which might be entirely and obscurely different from another dancer’s highest potential. It’s truly incredible how our lives are so complex and yet led by our own daily decisions, perspectives and desires.

I had an amazingly successful yard sale this weekend, which I'll be using to fund the needs of my tummy this month. I'm incredibly grateful to all the wonderful people here who made it possible. I'm also grateful it's over! It was fun to interact with all of Ashland's yardsalers who followed my superman signs and chalk encouragements in main intersections! I also enjoyed appealing to the scavengers at the end once everything was left out for free before I took a grand total of FOUR boxes to goodwill (This felt so satisfying after having such a huge yard full of stuff to begin with!) I think there was much happiness overall. *If you want help doing a yard sale, let me know! ;)

My most current actions include gathering random jobs here and there and catching up with wonderful friends. It's strange to imagine the time spans ahead separating me from beautiful people who are on adventures themselves! I'm soaking up the time I have with sweet Steph who's been such an amazing friend to me as well as an inspiration to live life by my heart's desire! Tonight she and I had dinner with Mimi and Papa and it was precious to have her reflect on how sweet they are. I am so lucky to have them! I really feel so much gratitude for my family. My mom made a wonderful dinner for us all this weekend and I felt so happy and loved at the table with the ever-familiar faces of the people who raised me (and who I've watched grow up.) And was it ever delicious! I've been enjoying the freedom of making choices in the moment like having tea with my AnT, instead of dragging my exhausted self to a milonga that I was sad to miss, but I knew would have been a hazard on the dance floor! There have been so many beautiful moments of this adventure in Ashland. I've gone for hikes, had tea dates, locked myself out of my car (yes, already!) had lots of opportunities for reflection, processing, forgiveness and many giggles!! It has been a beautiful experience to redefine my relationships now as I reconnect with friends from inside my new boots.

I've got my heart set on South America this summer, somehow or another and am in the process of finding a place to land and make a little cash for the trip. As much as I thought of being in the Bay Area as my next base, especially because I didn't have the attachments of job, house, relationship in Ashland, I’m feeling so comfortable and happy in the sweet town I've called home for most of my adult life. There are many ghosts to encounter and challenges to overcome, but those lurk everywhere. Really, the ghosts are within and I know I can’t avoid them, only face them. I don’t know how my adventures seem from an outside perspective, but sometimes travelers appear to be running from the commitments of life, where I feel like I’m dancing towards the joys! The standard lifestyle is settle, fill your space with things, get a “real” job and play house. But it doesn't fit right now! I want to keep exploring and discovering and learning! Ashland is an amazingly safe place to explore those ideas as a transitioning plateau, and yet there are beautiful things drawing me to the Bay Area. I’m continuing to debate, but for now, I’m incredibly grateful for the job opportunities and generosity of this community!

This is the Sound of Settling, bah bah!

My autocorrect changed the word settling to seeking. I guess that's more the category I'm in right now anyway. I was attempting to settle but am realizing that it's not really what I want. I loved my adventure and am eager to keep exploring! The world, my spirit, my soul! There's much to be discovered! It's been quite a blessing though to return to the open and loving arms of so many wonderful people who did not forget me while I was gallivanting across Australia's countryside. It's a beautiful reminder of the life I had before I left and the values that attracted such amazing people. While I know I'm looking out with a completely new set of shades, I still am who I am. I feel empowered about my values, friendships, aspirations and journey. And I am so grateful for the incredible support I've received in returning "home."

I spent the first couple weeks adjusting to the time zone and reconnecting with my loving family in the Bay Area. I'm absolutely amazed at how brilliant my guide-daughter is!! She's not even two yet and she's incredibly in tune with the world. She and I had a twenty minute conversation (no joke!) dissecting the song Hush Little Baby. Astounding little person. And I love her so! It's also been great to connect with the rest of my family. They're all still the same wonderful people they've always been and yet a year plays quite a role in a persons life. I know I've also shifted as well and it's good to reestablish those relationships. There is still much to learn from these people who are the foundation of my life. And much to understand about who I am because of what they've passed on to me!

The physical exploration of opening boxes I sealed a year ago has perfectly reflected the dynamics and relationships I'm revisiting now in Ashland. I was apprehensive upon my return and it wasn't until the woman transporting me from Berkeley took the wrong exit leading us to drive all the way through town by the main street that I understood those emotions. I was washed over with a wave of my memories and experiences from within every crevice of this sweet little town. A year ago I packed up everything and left to find myself. I basically boxed up who I was and either sold it or put it in storage for later examinations to go dive into the rest of my adventurous spirit! I don't know that I've "found myself" but I've certainly evolved into a new woman with nourishment from my roots being in all kinds of experiences. So returning to the life of the person I was before has been a fascinating process to examine. I'm really establishing that which is still part of who I am and recognizing what I can let go of. And it's a huge relief!

I am thrilled to say that tango has happily embedded itself into my heart and blossomed in a wonderful way! I feel strong, grounded and graceful in my dance and it was amazing to experience at Valentango this past weekend. I came into the weekend feeling like it was another adventure waiting for me to hop on board and had little expectations beyond that. I am incredibly grateful that the foundation of my experience was with three incredible women in very small spaces (a car, a hotel room, a cluster of chairs in a crowded ballroom.) I opened my heart to these ladies and embraced theirs as well! There were many stories, much laughter and song, exorbitant goofiness and a deep nourishing presence of love and support throughout the weekend. Going out to dance was the cherry on top of an already scrumptious sundae! Tango has some intense dynamics to it, which I am fortunately conscious of and I was able to face and absorb them. I enjoyed some incredible dances; I actually don't think I had any bad tandas. There was one night of dancing that was just okay, but the evening itself was thick with it's own treasures. I'm in a beautiful space of recognizing the "good" as well as the "bad" as beneficial to my growth and understanding. And I'm so grateful for my experiences and processing, especially with the support of the amazing women in my life. I also enjoyed making new friends at the festival and connecting with people I'd only briefly encountered before. I loved the excitement of getting ready with the girls, the thrill of the cabeceo connections, the swooning scents captured in each breath against my partner's body, the immense satisfaction of connection with heartbeat and bassline, and the absolute ridiculousness of dancing myself silly until 6am. As I've slowly come down from my festival high, I've been dreamily contemplating all the tango adventures of my future. I'm also loving catching up with the amazing Ashland tango community who I shared so much of my life with before I left!

I'm currently in the adventure of sorting through my old life and planning my new one. Where do I want to land and get a job? Do I really need these jars? Where should I print the pictures for my Australia scrapbook? Could all this dust kill me!? Would you like to dance? What should I make for breakfast? Have I been drinking enough water? Where are my pants!? Haha, yup, that's my life right now! Amusing, soothing and ridiculously perfect. I love where I am at and the ideas I have about where I'm headed (even if they are as fluffy and translucent as the bubbles in the bath.) Life in Ashland is beautiful right now and that's all I can ask for!

If you're in Ashland this weekend come by my yard sale on 5th St. where I'm offering treasures in exchange for currency to fund the most current adventures of my life!

What can make me feel this way, My Girl!

The hardest thing about traveling was:
Coming back.

It's unreal how much my perspective has changed and returning to "my old life" has been a bit shocking. I suppose it's not all that different from culture shock, it just that these are my homegrown perspectives and choices that I've submerged myself into (again.) It's amazing to me the things I've taken for granted or accepted blindly because I grew up in the nature of it, understanding it as normal. It's very refreshing to have an outside perspective on the culture, traditions, beliefs and desires of the life I was living. Being immersed in another culture and experiencing so many different ways that individual human beings choose to live and love was absolutely fascinating.

While actually "living someone else's life"(see: Somebody That I Used to Know) is not preferable as a permanent lifestyle, it does create a chance for insight and reflection on my own choices and beliefs. And obviously it gives me a chance to build on my understanding of the world, from what a Celiac needs to pay attention to in order to care for herself, to drinking vinnie as a means of daily immune support, or cutting roses before the bud so it can grow properly. Basically living in other people's worlds, which ironically are all coexistent on One Planet, broadens my understanding of humanity. It's an extremely large burden/gift (depending on your perspective) to accumulate so many perspectives making me realize the true meaning of: The more you know, the less you know. In this case it feels like: the more you experience the more confusing it is to define what's "right." But it's like my friends at Common Ground said, the most important thing is to follow your heart. I've come to understand that when faced with a multitude of options, I have personally preferred to have a little of each..this doesn't always translate well and I realize my personal truth can only be found by slowing down to listen and trust what I feel is right for me. The beautiful part of that is I also know that everyone else is also entitled to their own truth.

Being in the Bay Area has presented a lot of pressure from "The system." The need to get a job and Be someone has created some anxiety after being in a place where I was experiencing life in a community with "one heart, one mind, one soul." I joined them in making the same recipes, listening to the same music, wearing the same style of clothes, pursuing the same goals. Somehow it was amazingly satisfying to feel part of something with no pressure to prove myself in any superficial ways; only to share my true character openly with trust and the hope to increase in the places where I felt inadequate. Having the focus of everyday be an underlying desire to learn to love and respect the people around me was the best challenge I've ever encountered.

Theres a shiny green hummingbird flitting around the the corner of the backyard! I love the transition to springtime! I've been spending most of my time playing with my sweet guide-daughter, going for gorgeous walks through the neighborhood, picking up cooking techniques, catching up with loved ones and dealing with icky but necessary business-y type things. We took Maren and her playmate to little farm in Tilden Park and fed all the animals earlier in the week. I was pleasantly reminded of the beauty of the Bay Area and all it has to offer in wilderness and landscape. I've spent evening chatting and reflecting on life with my dad until all too late in the night! And had some interesting circumstances with unexpected (and unwanted) visitors! My aunties and I tried to stand together against sugar (replacing dessert one night with fresh cheesy chive biscuits (!?)) and yet we've all failed. There are just too many yummy treats around, especially at Trader Joe's!!

It is wonderful to be back home and really reconnect with some of the most awesome people in my life. I've found my new perspective so valuable in understanding what a true friendship really consists of. Being able to talk non-stop, except for erupted fits of giggling or a pause to reflect on stories is just as fun as silently sharing the space to gaze quietly into nature. Friendship is about being connected and engaged. My favorite form of being connected so far are the welcome back hugs!!!!!! I've also begun to better understand the treasures friends are as mirrors, sounding boards, supporting blocks and stars to reach toward! It's humbling to embrace the understanding that there will always be someone "better" or "worse" at something I can do, but as long as I am truly doing my best, I can feel grounded in it. Having acceptance for each other and embracing differences is the happiest way I can imagine a relationship would flourish.

~*~*~
My dad and I just watched Remember The Titans -which is an incredible movie if you haven't seen it! When I see/read/hear stories about the civil rights movement, I often feel that I wish I had been there. Really though, I am part of that movement, today! The civil rights movement of ALL cultures, religions, races, genders, couples and families to be respected and treated equally. This is obviously not the 1950's. We need everyone to realize that a human is a human is a human; and the heart loves the way it loves; and the spirit is guided in faith; and individual strengths shine beyond physical appearance. I believe in the depths of my heart that the movement of this age is soaring toward unity! President Obama is an inspiration to the world in leading a steadfast nation of extreme diversity to overcome fears and discomfort and to accept the realities of change and progression. I am proud of my father's heritage, I am proud of my mother's leadership, I am proud of my aunties' love, and I am proud of my sisters' faith. My family is rooted in love and I am so grateful for that foundation. I know it is greatly inspired by the unconditional warmth and acceptance of my great grandma Ruby. Her heart still shines today in all her children, her grandchildren, her great-grandchildren and even her great-great-grandchildren! And it will continue to shine and sparkle for years to come as we pass on her legacy by embracing each of our family members and loved ones with the honor every human heart is made of, in the spirit of a consistent, flowing, outpouring of love!

Memories, all alone in the moonlight

My trip is over but my heart is still in Australia. The last few days with my friends, once the drama of whether or not I was actually leaving subsided, were wonderful. They were so supportive of me and grateful for my friendship and time with them. They were flexible as I got everything sorted and encouraged me to follow my heart in all I did. All the sisters took me out for Indian one night, leaving the cafe to the brothers to clean up- for which I was SO grateful!! We had an amazing dinner and wonderful time together. There was lots of sharing and laughter and ridiculous circumstances. We discovered we preferred the masala lassie as a dip, not a smoothie; We ran like crazy people across the road and into the shop before it closed to get ice creams; we laughed at Yeled who wandered down as we ate, staring at the window front and smiling (but not even noticing us inside we found out later!); and enjoyed the quiet of the night in the mountains as we ate our gaytimes and contemplated the infinite universe. The day before I left I went for a swimming lesson with the children, Asher and Tsedek and even got a lesson myself! I was so grateful for the small bits of guidance I never got but always wanted as a swimmer. Then after hot cups of soup back at the cafe, Havah, the heart of the kitchen, was allowed to take me for a bush walk that's been on my mind for months.

We took the beat up old chugger and Havah worked her way through the mountains and up narrow neck road until we found the golden staircase. We'd packed snacks and lunch and plenty of water and other than my camera we were alone in the vast wilderness. It was a gorgeous walk, the scenery changing every hundred steps or so, and the weather was perfect! We stopped frequently to admire the precious creatures and plants with their sweet ways. It was wonderful to be submerged in creation and have an opportunity to talk about anything and everything without interruption. At the bottom of the golden staircase we reached the path leading us to the ruined castle. (There must be a children's book about this place somewhere, and if not, I'd like to change that!) We made a friend at the peak with the most captivating yellow eyes and shared a bit of our food with him, though he wasn't very generous in return to the fat lizard who scurried up the rock next to him to eat the onion he'd left. There was also one other person near the top who surprised us when he told us it was quarter to five! We had to get a move on and scurried along ourselves back to the car park! Being quite distractible in nature, there were many stops nonetheless. At one point we encountered a camper in his thirties trying to light a camp fire and had a friendly conversation. Apparently Havah was scared out of her wits that he was going to come after us! It was amusing to me to see her face and raised walking stick as age frequently looked back to make sure we were safe. It certainly made for a hilarious story back at the cafe!

Once we huffed and puffed our way back to the top and realized there was still a couple hours of daylight left, we decided to do some exploring in the Megalong Valley. As we drove down the dirt track from narrow neck I sat in the window looking out into the vast valley. We passed a man who suggested it was more comfortable on the roof, so Havah pulled over and we both got up there to look. The Blue Mountains are stunning and I knew I would be sad to leave them. We realized Havah didn't actually have her Learner's license on her so I drove and she navigated. Our next stop was Mermaid's Cave where we walked under a magical waterfall at the bottom of a stairway in the rocks which seemed to lead to the enchanted forest. We appreciated the color and coolness of the atmosphere and the ancient trees growing from the stoney ground. We decided we'd like to see the sunset from the top instead of wander through the valley so we charged back up to the car and saw the last tinge of daylight glowing on the treetops. We hopped back in the car and encouraged our little beater as we chugged up the hill. Back on the top we took a left into the fading sunlight and rushed (safely (..enough)) towards the lookout point at the edge of the cliffs. We occasionally got a glimpse through the trees at a lit pink sky, encouraging enough that we still had a chance to catch the sun before it was gone for the day! We flew down the road and around the bend just in time to see the hot pink light slip behind the cliffs, blessing us with my final Australian sunset. We cheered and celebrated hopping out of the car and through the bush to the cliff side where we admired the blazing colors illuminating the sky, a brilliant pink lining encrusting the clouds above the horizon. It was a most perfect end to the day.

We returned to a very quiet house where we discovered we were the only ones with a vehicle and needed to deliver dinner to the cafe workers! So we loaded up the car again, this time with veggie sticks and hot soup! After a bit of a scolding for taking the generous invitation to be back before midnight too seriously, we joined the others in dinner. I had my first full serve of cafe nachos (after dishing up hundreds of plates for other customers) and enjoyed an apple mac (apple macadamia crumble) for dessert. Tsedek called it salvation material and recalled his own experience sitting where I sat a month earlier. I had The Prince and The Pauper in hand and cafe music dancing in the background with friends all around me, happy and thankful for life. I had come to the conclusion, just a day before, that though I didn't really want to leave, maybe it was time to go be with my family again. I knew in my heart I was going to feel connected to the cafe even once I went out the door.

The morning of Thursday, February 7th, I had a few loose ends to tie after breakfast with my community family. I had an inspirational conversation with Israel before saying goodbyes at the house and even got a phone call in to the farm to send my love down there as well! It was for the best that he and I talked so long because I imagine it would have been difficult to extend such long and heart wrenching goodbyes to people I've become so connected to in love and friendship. They sent me with a package of yummy treats and food for the plane (thank goodness) and Havah made me one last amazing Havah-smoothie. I offered hugs and gratitude all around and pulled myself out the door to the car. Derushah and I had an incredible conversation on the way to the airport and I was so grateful for her support and encouragement. I check in smoothly, feeling excited that the rearranging Havah and I did the night before allowed me to fit everything in just two checked bags!! The weight on both was 22.5 kilograms!! And the max was 23. Perfect!! Derushah waited with me until I had to board and with a big hug we said goodbye. I headed through customs smoothly followed by security (who took my unfortunately-misplaced leather man from me!! What a disappointment that was!) and caught the back of the line boarding to San Francisco. I sat in my seat at the waaay back contemplating whether I was really doing "what was on my heart" to do. I also considered the many many things I hadn't done in my rush to pack and leave so last minute! I suppose I will be forgiven and if not, I'll discover some true colors. Anyway, I had a Whole Row of four seats to myself! This meant that after dinner and movie (and The Office!!), I sprawled out across those empty seats and curled up in my Comfort Blanket (thanks Auntie! That thing was an amazing travel companion all through my journey!) and went to sleep at about 8pm Oz time, 1am SF time, and slept for about 8 hours! Perfect. I woke up the next morning at 8:30am on Thursday, February 7th, an hour before landing.

Customs was a breeze, though I didn't even realize I was smuggling in a peach I'd forgotten about! Then I got turned around and was heading towards connection flights and had an adventure exploring the airport. Eventually I found the international arrivals lobby and tried to work out if I'd actually told anyone when my (new) flight arrived! It didn't help that the flight was early so I decided to just wait it out. Eventually my dad showed up with flowers and balloons and a big hug! It began a day of very surreal feelings of being back in the States. I kept getting confused about being on the left and had a couple of close ones with people! Our first stop was meant to be about my cell phone, working out technical details and considering things like a job and taxes for two countries. Bleh! We got a Jamba Juice and sat outside in the chill of the Bay Area Winter. I had to really judge myself in Trader Joes not to get all my favorite snacks and treats! I did choose some peanut butter pretzels though, yum! When we got home we settled in a bit, then went for a bike ride! Again, there was a subtle level of culture shock of sorts regarding the Right side of the road And the chilly weather.

We spent the rest of the day working out technicalities of "real life" and having conversations about my experiences away. After a most perfectly cooked Papa Murphy's dinner, I knew I couldn't keep my eyes open any longer. I wasn't looking forward to waking up alone after being in a house full of people every day for the last month. It wasn't helpful that it was totally cold either! I realized that although my sleep schedule shifted in a conveniently easy way, it still felt like waking up at 9 was actually waking up at 4am. I'm feeling a bit slow today and missing my friends and life back in the mountains, but looking forward to seeing my sweet baby girl, Maren. And it is wonderful to see all the familiar buildings and places where I've spent the many years of my life growing, developing and changing into the person I am today. We'll see how I go driving Dad's truck through the busy Bay Area traffic back on the other side of the road.

Save tonight, fight the break of dawn

I went to spend a few days on the farm down in Picton with the community to get a chance to experience their lifestyle and talk to some more people. I felt myself crack open a bit more letting walls down and inviting my new friends in. What an amazing thing it is to be in a place where I feel safe to be vulnerable in exposing who I am and what I'm thinking and how I feel. I haven't felt judgment or pressure from them in staying with them but not joining them and I'm so grateful for that. I feel I've grown exponentially as a person and I hope in the depths of my heart that I can not only hold onto what I've learned but continue to peel away the old layers and lay down a new, strong foundation from a genuine desire to be honest, compassionate and loving person. It's going to be so hard to pull myself away from these amazing people who I've fallen in love with individually and as a community. I predict many letters, envelopes and stamps in my future. And that's about all I know of my future right now! With less than two weeks left, I'm getting so excited about going home though I don't really have a plan from there! How exhilarating! (This sounds just like how I felt a year ago in preparation to come to Australia!! Everything turned out the way it needed to then, and I am learning to trust that it will continue to do so.)

At the farm I really enjoyed waking up to pick big, gorgeous, green greens!! They use silver-beet (chard), kale and broccoli greens in their amazing green drink and green bars. I also got to lend a hand in the green drink preparation- washing the greens and apples and weighing them into buckets. I got a blister chopping the apples and couldn't work out whether my mother would be proud for so much chopping or if I should've known better and held the knife differently! I went to the market one day selling fresh bread, green bars and green drink and it was 47 degrees!!!!! I could've melted! It was an amazing contrast to starting the day with the cool of the morning on the beach with the sunrise. Working in the cafe I thought of Mimi because this one woman was so grateful as she was leaving she touched my arm gently and patted it saying thank you. It was definitely something Mimi would do. I am very much looking forward to seeing my family!!

It's been so incredible to be living and loving with the depths of my heart turned out towards my new friends. It feels much like relationships in the past have felt. And like those, the point of severing is deeply painful. It's hard to break away from someone I've been welding myself around. We all want to be loved, and I know for me, I forget, initially, about the pain of pulling away when I discover that magnetism for the first time (..again.) The feeling is all too familiar and yet somehow I know I will pour my heart out again and again, it's just my nature. Sometimes I think it might be easier if I weren't such a sensitive and compassionate person -so I wouldn't have to feel the pain that couples it- But I couldn't live with myself being shallow like lonely ghosts of past experiences. I can only hope to cultivate like-minded people who would embrace me and share their hearts with me too. I remember when I discovered the word vulnerable it struck a chord in me explaining things I never understood. (I did a report on the word itself for an English class.) I wish for the world to learn how to love deeply and practice compassion and forgiveness. And truly, I hope to continue to grow in these ways myself.

There's only 8 days until my flight..and much to do! And so many people I want to spend time with and learn from and continue to share my love with. I barely have a minute to myself because I'm so engaged soaking up the wonderful experience of being here and yet it's a balance trying to deal with the logistics of getting home smoothly. Auntie K was so helpful in my departure, I'm channeling her as I prepare to return home. It was wonderful to have lunch with my adopted friends from Steph in Sydney and they were even able to help me through a bit of a travel hiccup. And I introduced Justine to the ways of central station!

There's so much more I want to share but I'd rather spend my precious last moments with my friends here and save the stories for a cuppa tea! One of the men in the community is leaving today to go back to the farm and he's been an amazing support in my journey. This morning a Russian couple led a handful of us in some yoga which was entertaining as well as a great way to start the day! I'm happy I stuck around hoping Sarah's bubba would wake up because they brought out a delicious gluten free, vegan, raw chocolate moose cake to share! Best way to start the day! Eat dessert first! Hopping over to the cafe now. Love to everyone back home..see you soon!!

Sometimes I only get a sliver of ya...

Tonight Havah asked if I wanted to go home early and spend time with Tikvah and the children (instead of cleaning up in the cafe, which I ended up doing at the house anyway, but that is the life of community -and it's especially encouraging to be able to do it with a willing heart.) As I walked out the door of the cafe and across the road I caught sight of a gorgeous white crescent hanging in the evening sky. I ran back to invite my friends to enjoy it as well, parading them from the kitchen out the front door grabbing people along the way as we went. Out under a few twinkling stars, (and jupiter) Caleb recalled the night when he was young that he first grasped the concept of the moon as a sphere. As he encouraged Havah to notice the shadows from the dark side of the moon, I imagined what it would look like through Jock's telescope. I was reminded of my childhood moon experiences and the wonderful books that I loved so much, Goodnight Moon, Owl Moon and my all time favorite to read with Mimi: Papa, Bring The Moon for Me. I slipped into the memory of snuggling up in Papa's lounge chair with all the lights off except the one shining behind his beautiful stained glass in the living room. Those days had to have been the best of my life.

As I walked home on the right side of the road, against traffic for only a short time longer, I tried to keep the moon in sight. It was as if we were walking home together, side by side. The curiosity came up again of whether everyone sees the same moon- though it wouldn't be at the same time. I quietly sang one of my favorite songs, thinking of home and the quickening progression of days until my time here is up. Today I was considering if I would regret staying with the community until I fly but I realized in order to have regret I would need to be deciding between two choices. As far as I've thought ahead, I don't really want to be anywhere else because I'm so engaged in what I'm doing here. It's like I've already moved on from Australia and I'm in a totally different realm in between my transition home. I do realize I could experience and enjoy the benefits of this life in many different places around the world and the work would be the same. All I know is that I'm happy and safe with wonderful friends, learning incredible things about myself and the human condition and I don't want to be anywhere else but here right now.

On my trek, I stopped occasionally to adjust my eyes to the dark from the street lights and admire the bright sphere in the sky, it's entire circumference of a shadow prominent against the sky. I admired the changing colors of the sunset from the orange on the horizon, fading to yellows and greens, into the many layers of blue up through to the deep darkness of the universe surrounding the white sliver in the night. Not fully dark, the sillouttes of many Australian trees painted the landscape against the colorful background of day's end. Nature is such an incredible thing and I'm in such an amazing place to experience it! At lunch we talked about a time when the world didn't have cities but was focused on surviving the wild and creating enduring relationships. It was a simpler time, we imagined, and we wished to live that way- out of the demands of modern technology and trends and a push for going faster, harder, stronger, more! The life they live here attempts release from those demands and encourages deep relationships with the strife of life being primarily internal, within a safe environment of constant support and love. Nish barah told me today (after a conversation we had about getting stressed and overwhelmed over cafe things) that I am here to help her. As a different person with a different perspective, we need each other to learn and grow. It's so amazing that we can truly be support to each other without debt or expectation except to love. Somehow they've come to trust me and it's like my dad said, even though I'm not be joining them, they've still accepted me as Part of them. I really desire their way of life. The simplicity of it, the foundation for increasing one's self, the relationships of true friendship and love and the attempts to be as natural as possible, honoring the earth and the gifts provided. I love their life but I don't have their faith. I'm so eager to continue learning from them though. They're an amazing people with a beautiful vision and they've all found their purpose in life and I admire them for that. I'll continue to contemplate my own as I strive to work through my inequities and become the best person I can be!

~*~*~*~
Oh what a beautiful morning... Today instead of a teaching, Israel encouraged everyone to head to the garden and do a big weed push! It was a gorgeous way to start the day. In the fresh air, all together in the shade of the trees (where the cockatoos were screeching!) twenty men, women and children squatted, kneeled and hunched over the beds filled with tomatoes, rocket, silverbeet (chard), basil, lettuces of all sorts and kale! I very much enjoyed reaching deep within the tomato beds, my nose filled with the sweet scent of basil. I bid good morning to each little lady bug and squealed at the shock of grabbing a slug! We worked until cafe duty called and then some of the sisters and I ran inside to wash the dirt from under our nails, leaving the rest of the community to finish the job. Today I'm heading to the farm for a few days until the tribal gathering this weekend! I'm looking forward to talking with more people, making new friends and strengthening beautiful relationships. I'm so happy to be really alive and experiencing this gorgeous day!

(Fun fact: rubbing on the juice from a lemon wedge is an awesome natural deodorant!)

Time for you to go out to the places you will be from

While I've taken this train ride many times, going above the Blue Mountains feels like flying above a rainforest. Such a thick range of beautiful green forest with true blue sky holding it in place. It's truly a stunning view that I'm definitely going to miss. Three weeks now until my flight home and I'm surprised at my mixed emotions about it. I've been acknowledging the possibility of extending my visa for another year when it was just a month ago I was considering moving my flight up to go home early. I guess that's what true friendship does. Natzhar described it perfectly as falling in love and walking away. The familiar curiosity comes up of whether it's possible to have my heart in more than one place. Is that greed? indecisiveness? a desire for acceptance anywhere and everywhere fighting lack of self confidence? It was funny when Ohevi replied to my request for very simple clear instructions about a direction he gave me, that I act so confident so he doesn't think to talk to me in such a way (simply like with a child) but really, "inside, you're banana." Perfect description of how I quite often feel, even if I am good at fulfilling the given role I play.

Living with the community has been such an emotionally and spiritually amazing conflict of my heart and values. There are some deeply provocative considerations which contradict things I have rooted into my belief system that they encourage me to accept. And somehow, amazingly, I am able to find understanding and truth in what they say. Am I being naive? narrow-minded? ignorant? Or is everyone else on this planet truly lost? What a harsh reality to live in, being asked to consider that things I've been brought up believing are actually under the power of something dark and persuasive to keep me from fulfilling my true purpose in this life. I'm so grateful for the opportunity to have this experience because I'm discovering so many deep seeded struggles I'd like to overcome in order to be a better person. I've become aware that it's a life long process of discovery, humility, and neediness of genuine friends and absolute forgiveness and love. I've had some very humbling experiences in the last couple days with a couple of the brothers leading me to recognize that having true, merciful friends is one of the most rewarding ways to learn to love (myself and others.) I'm finding the struggle to be so incredible as I continue learning what I'm made of and considering who I want to become. I don't know that I could go through this process in the world without the grace of this community of people who strive daily to overcome all their iniquities and be the light they were created to be. They have amazing forgiveness, experience, ability to talk openly and hear each other. The respect, support and true friendship is unbelievable. I'm so grateful to be living with them right now.

I had SUCH an amazing time with them in Woodford too. I was so engaged in the process of learning about myself, I may as well have been making 600 chicken skewers a day for masses of people on the moon instead of at a huge folk festival. I did go to a few fun performances and talks but I was much more interested in getting muddy elbow deep in the spiritual garden of my soul. (I loved Rivkah saying, "You really wear your heart on your elbow.") There was much conflict of perspectives and understanding and I was over-filled daily with rich soul food. I really reveled in the experience of speaking my heart to new (and true) friends who helped me sort out the swirl of questions I didn't even realize I had. Amazing how much it helps to open up and express what I'm experiencing to work through it. We stayed up late working hard and woke up early in the immediate heat of summer to begin again. It was fascinating to watch the constant flow of fairy jizz fanatics flow down the row of stalls full of earthy new age materialism. The new year fire show was fun to watch and the 3 minute silence in honor of those lost was a powerful experience especially as the bell gonged to break the silence and every molecule of the atmosphere from the top of the grassy hillside vibrated with the eruption of enthusiastic cheering. I saw some friends from my travels and lived off our amazing green drink made on the farm down south. They even had tango at the festival! It was a very dynamic and diverse experience of people, music, food, lessons and heart. I love how such simple tasks can bring two open hearted people so close. I really enjoyed working with Rivkah, Natzar, Elahav, Havah, Sehkel, Simchah, Malilah, Anivah, Joseph, Shemuel, Ohevi and alongside the rest even if we only crossed paths briefly in our busy-ness. (Their names are Hebrew and I'm not positive on all the spellings.)

I find the contrast of the trips up to Woodford and back home to the mountains amazing. It was a comedy of a trip up (literally, while listening to Bill Cosby, Dane Cook and another I don't remember) where I discovered at a petrol station that I'm literally on my last legs financially (though I'm still stable, loved ones, thank you!) and encountered unbelievable names of roads and towns (like "The Clump Rd." and Wee Waa and Coonabarabran-which my rideshare dubbed "aboriginal cereal") and found out that some Australians call redheads "'rangas" (short for orangutan!) and actually saw the word "Crickey!" used on a billboard. Then the tragedy of the ride home, deep in my emotions contemplating what life really is meant to be, sleeping on the shoulders of two girls I've fallen in deep friendship with and have to say goodbye to, getting lost at Byron Bay while looking at giant metre long guaunas, passing up opportunities to swim in the gorgeous waves of the pacific to spend time twisted up in my heart and mind, and eating as much junk, sugar and oily fats as possible because it's a once a year experience for them- bleh! But of course there's much to learn from all experiences and if it weren't for the negatives, which really clarify the positives, how would we grow in life?

We made it home safely after a jostling 24 hour period of travel and slept most of the next day. It was wonderful to come "home" where I was welcomed happily along with everyone else. There were banners, signs and gift baskets filled with fresh baked cookies, fruit, goodies from the market, fizzy juice and cards and balloons. What wonderful friendship and love they have to offer and share. The house was filled with more baskets overflowing with delicious summer fruits: cherries, grapes, mangos, apricots, peaches and nectarines. And now we're back to work in the cafe and continuing to work on our hearts. I miss the people from the farm though. Hopefully we see them soon, we might have a tribal gathering next weekend. Which will push Sarah's baby's dedication back again but that's okay, it just gives me more time to finish my knitted basket!

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Yeesh! It's soo hot and it's only 7am! I guess it doesn't help that I went for an unplanned run followed by speed walking all the way to the train station. Halfway to the station I realized I forgot to leave the yummy fudge brownies I had for my amazingly generous friend Jock who put me up last night. It was actually a blessing in disguise because I'd missed my turn on the way to the station, so going back I was able to see that. I set my backpack just behind someone's front wall and ran the two blocks up the hill with his treats and then sprinted back to my bag. Oh the fun adventure brings! Anyway, I'm hoping on an early train because we're having a tribal gathering today!!
^Or at least that's what I thought! It was actually a "push" with all hands on deck to help the people at the woolshed get ready for their opening day. It was hard, rewarding work. Great to see some good friends and make some amazing progress physically and emotionally. I also successfully collected a grand total of 33 mossie bites!! Ahhhhhh!!!

This weekend I met Kerry and her wonderful girlfriends at the Sydney Olympic Park to watch the Australia Open. I didn't really know much about tennis on the professional level until we stayed at her house for the cotton harvest and she watched it all the time! She, Ben and I had a couple fun games on her dirt court in the front yard. It was fascinating to watch a whole, unedited athletic match. The muscles on those women are so incredible. I miss being so athletic. It's hard to be when I can't keep in place long enough to join a team of any sort. Maybe I'll look into it when I get home in three weeks!!! I'm working on sorting out my things and consolidating everything so I can get home most efficiently. It's an exhilarating time and I am so grateful for my experiences! I could keep sharing the details for hours but I have to run to the cafe. Guess I'll just have to share the fun stories over tea in a few weeks! I have no idea what life will be like when I get back but I'm looking forward to a new start with a new perspective on life, though I know I'll be sad to say goodbye here! ~ Every new beginning is from some other beginnings end. ~