Listen to your heart when (it's) calling (to) you

Sometimes adventure is in the beauty of appreciating the moment, sometimes we dig just a little below the surface and find gold. sometimes the line between acknowledging intuition and facing fears is one in the same. If my Mimi knew the adventures I'd been on in the last few days (today especially) she'd kill in fear that I might've died! But I didn't and I'm hear to tell the story. (Love you Meem!)

I spent a few days at my friend's new vacation home in central Oregon. It was a stunning place to be, truly it was like stepping into a hot, quiet, summertime heaven. The silence was unbelievable and the relaxation that settled upon me, most welcome. I barely managed to complete homework assignments, I even gained kudos from one professor for having the "issues of a smart person" in attempting to do my essay three levels deeper than most would've. That was satisfying. Especially considering I'm also dealing with a professor who seems to have a very large stick up... never mind. I lounged on the deck and in the swing, napped in the hammock and on the futon, walked through the forest, biked through endless sandy fire roads, and trekked to a stunning lazy river surrounded by lush marshland. Oregon is so darn beautiful! I noted how easy it was to sit, silently observing, with no need to DO anything amidst a body of water. This river was especially clear and cold, tempting me to take a dip.The rest of my experience was filled with friendship, support, giggles, conversations, connection, and love. We had snuggly naps in the middle of the day, reading 39 Ways to Open Your Heart -- I highly recommend this book to anyone intrigued; it has gorgeous watercolor images with sound wisdom encouraging living life from a place of surrender and acceptance. We shared scrumptious meals and delicious snacks. At 11pm last night I was intrigued by the (only) 30 minute bake time on the back of a package of brownies that called to me from deep in the cupboard when I was supposed to be doing homework...they were delicious! During lunch today we observed a fawn and herd of does bounding along the property, exploring and appreciating the shade. Her little whimper was so sweet and sounded a bit like a cat. I wouldn't have heard it if it were not for the dead silence of the surroundings- it's a truly amazing place.While I insisted I never wanted to leave, responsibilities called and around 4pm I started to make headway on packing. I found many distractions. 
By the time I did get on the road the sky was thick with grey clouds, the air still, hot, and humid, a storm lurking on the horizon. As soon as I got to the highway out of the trees I was stunned at the gorgeous cloud-scape. I found a place to pull over across a railroad track where I could lie on the hood of my car and look up at the bubbling clouds and lightening streaking across the sky. The sound of the thunder was phenomenal. It was confirmed then and there that one of my most favorite things in the world is a thunder storm (ironic, as in the movie, the song is meant to soothe the children during a storm!) As it wasn't raining I took a few pictures but they didn't even compare to the sunset I witnessed a couple hours later! With the clouds still billowing? pillowing? poppleing? They were growing from within themselves, a fantastic kaleidoscope of shapes forming before my eyes, and the sun shining up at them high in the sky from it's settled spot below the horizon I could see, it was like magic. Truly, there were so many moments today when it just felt like I was in the right place at the right time. Whether that means I'm on the right path, or I have good karma, or I'm simply grounded and in tune with each step, or all coincidence, it doesn't matter, because it was a beautiful day!

The part Mimi wouldn't like (other than lying on the hood of my car on the side of a backroads highway to enjoy a storm and sunset) was the waterfall... I had a couple hours to go on a straight road lined with tall pines when I saw a sign for a waterfall a mile up the road; I spontaneously turned off. It was a very rough road and I told myself these were the type of adventures Subarus are made for! It was a two mile bumpy jostle to the car park (as they would say in Australia!) A bit of the way down a truck pulled out of a driveway and turned in behind me. Instinctively my guard was up and I locked my doors - because who else is going down this way to a waterfall at 7:30 at night (it gets dark at 9) and I am a woman alone in my car with no phone service. Hannah-alerts activated.

I drove on though, searching for inner confidence, as there was nowhere to turn around anyway. I saw the turnoff for the car park and signaled off and drove slowly down the road. When I parked my car I waited a few minutes to see if anyone was coming, but no one did. It was then I took in the beauty of my surroundings. Stunning forest, dense, damp, dark. I checked the time, 7:50. I remembered it was still light at 8:15 last night while exploring the fish hatchery, so I set off, bounding down the path toward the waterfall, flashlight and keys in hand. I felt like a fairy child, leaping over branches, breathing in the fresh air. It was wonderful! I could hear the crashing of the waterfall and my excitement grew. As the path wound around I caught glimpses of a river and felt the air grow cooler and wet. 

As I came to head of the waterfall I was reminded of the book: one of the ways to open your heart is to climb to the source of a waterfall. My heart opened and grew! I felt so clear and confident and happy. Grateful for my sense of spontaneity and adventure, along with my confidence and willingness to take risks with basic precautions. I tried to take a picture but seemed to have failed. I wanted to linger and enjoy but was afraid of losing light and the mosquitos were viscous!! It seemed the storm caught up to me just as I began to head back up the hill. In a downpour of rain, I charged back up the pineneedled-path, leaping with joy and satisfaction. It isn't every day one sees the power of a massive waterfall. It must've been one hundred feet up! I actually nearly slipped on the log climbing away from the overhang and it occurred to me that if I slipped it would be a long shot that anyone find me...(but I didn't, Mimi.)

Driving the rest of the way home was a breeze, so gratifying to be amidst Oregon's beauty. I hope to make it a habit of making a trip here every year. There's so much more to say and yet so much that cannot be conveyed. I don't have any major plans for this summer, but seeing as tonight was so spontaneous, maybe plans aren't necessary to enjoy the heck out of life! I am off on the rogue river tomorrow, better get some sleep...

 I didn't try too hard, the beauty was meant to be experienced.

(I think you can enlarge these)
The colors were stunning, storm to the right.

The storm and the moon!

Just Around the Riverbend

Perhaps it is my fond appreciation of JK Rowling's adventures that has me convinced I have a unique mission to take out into the world. This coupled with someone I love dearly expressing his regret that he once felt he was going to take on the world but never met his own expectations for this feat; though he was certain it wasn't too late for me. I'm not even sure what the expedition would entail, but I certainly know it's somehow related to learning and living experienced through mindfulness. I am continually amazed at how I come to these realizations of myself and understandings of how life is, considering the background of dynamics I experienced growing up.

I am currently taking a world religions class as a requirement at Dominican University and it's been fascinating to read about Hinduism and Buddhism so far. I'd never thought much about it but the Buddha was just a man, and claimed as much. He refused to be turned into a god because it would take away from the point he was trying to convey to everyone which I understand to be: this is the way in which we all need to and are capable of living! A wonderful example of being present in life and appreciative of what is. What I appreciate about Judaism is the continual search for meaning; the exploration and discussion (and maybe dissection) of understanding and making connections with the loose ends. Studying Christianity baffled me most of all, having been raised Catholic, I was fascinated by all that I didn't know. Just the little details of paying attention to the aspects of language, approach, and message throughout the greater lessons which are more familiar. I'm rereading the book Mister God This is Anna and the thrilling excitement of a small child full of wonder and curiosity for the world has ignited my own. I feel present and humbled by so much.


Last weekend I attended my auntie's graduation with her master's in education. An outstanding accomplishment for all she struggled with along the way- teenage daughters, divorce, full time job teaching preschoolers, putting her house on the market, and simply being a participant in our family! Most inspirational to me, is that she did it with an generous and grateful heart and continues to be so compassionate and she laughs so freely! I have admired her most of my life and she is so much of who I aspire to be. I admit there were some rough years between us as I struggled with my own demons and I am beyond grateful to have her back in my life. My current journey is also toward a masters degree- mine in occupational therapy. 


In the next three years I will go to school full time and don't plan to work except occasional childcare, and will earn my bachelors and masters by the time I'm 30. Not the traditional path of a college student but I'm happy I'm doing it and I wouldn't trade anything for the years I've lived up until now. I do truly feel I've lived several very different lives when I look back with fascination at my choices and experiences and friendships. One of my oldest and dearest friends and I were reflecting yesterday at how it really does take different experiences: travel, new people, diverse exposure, in order for one to really change in a significant way. If we maintain the same lifestyle pattern for ten years, there isn't much to learn. I suppose this is why I'm so grateful for all I've done. I believe the curves and edges of who I am would not be defined in the way they are now if not for the things I went through to get here. And, I am so happy to say, I like who I am today. I love me! It's been a long, hard road to come to that sentence wholeheartedly. But today I am doing the things that make me feel happy, safe, healthy and balanced; I am surrounded by a wonderful support system; I am practicing acceptance around interactions with others especially those closest to my heart.


This weekend I made the road trip north to my family for a third time this month to celebrate the life of my great auntie, my grandmother's sister, who we all loved so dearly. I've always considered myself fortunate to have such a tight knit bond at the helm of our family tree. My grandmother and her three sisters have always been each other's best friends. And they have all been through so much. It's inspirational to witness their love, acceptance, understanding, and forgiveness of each other. Maybe I should stop trying to come to connect with and appreciate my two sisters in the way my grandma and her sisters have as though it were a goal to reach, and instead realize the journey of getting to know and love someone is a life's process.


If there were a scale to depict mindfulness and joy of the people I know, I could very clearly place certain people at each end (and scattered throughout the middle.) Those on the (let's call it enlightened) side of the scale are older (than me) and have experienced a lot at a deep, wholehearted level. There has been much more resistance to truth on the opposite end. Maybe this is why I am so eager to know the truths of life. Tricky though, because much of this is not known with the mind, but experienced through the center of the heart. Again, if I continue to let myself feel inadequate for not reaching the level of (enlightenment) that I'd like to, and have seen is possible, I can never reach satisfaction, for those people will always (hopefully) continue to learn and experience and grow. What I need to do is set small goals for myself and let go of comparison. Ironically, my "goal" for right now is to find acceptance in my life, in my relationships, and in this blog post which is fully of run-on-sentences!! (I'm gonna have to let go of that issue if I'm going to post these more often: This is not a college paper and there isn't a grade, Hannah, write out your thoughts and set them free...)

They'll see us waving from such great heights

As I left a dear friend’s house tonight she called out to me, “I love you Hannah. You’re unusual.” I suppose I could interpret this many ways but as I responded with, “thank you,” I embraced the courage and clarity I felt in having discussed my deepest vulnerabilities with my 70+ year old friends over dinner on a random Tuesday night. I suppose tonight wasn’t such a random night as it came after a series of difficult events leading to this very moment in time, but to the rest of the world, what is Tuesday June 2nd?  Other than the strawberry full moon, apparently.

Today as I pulled up my body weight against the smooth cold boulders making up what Southern Oregon calls Pilot Rock, I felt it was time to start up my blogging again. So maybe I’m not on some spectacular grand adventure, exploring lands unknown with amazing pictures to show for it. But instead I am exploring deeper and deeper within myself, developing access to my most authentic self. I find this worth sharing, especially if anyone else can gain inspiration or insight from it. So maybe I’m unusual, does that mean I have something unique to share with the world? I’d like to think so. But perhaps not, and in that case, I am documenting my own experience and enjoying the opportunity to write out my thoughts, ideas, and experiences.

Today seems like a pivotal day for my life to begin, again. Having finally gathered up enough understanding and courage, I separated myself from the man I love, in order to grow in healthier ways toward the woman I’d like to become. While intellectually I know the decision was the right one for me right now, it still hurts so deeply. After spending my everyday with someone for the past year, expressing and exposing our most vulnerable selves to be considered and questioned, the silence today was excruciating. It’s as though a piece of my heart is missing from inside me. Perhaps, I really do give of myself so much that when I step back, a bit remains. As I explore my codependent tendencies, I wonder how much of this is unhealthy, how much of it learned.

I gained my final reassurance that I needed to step out of this relationship as I read Kimberley Patton’s commencement speech to Harvard Divinity School in 2005. She speaks of the broken heart and how darkness is the place in which new growth is found. I am reminded of seeds, rain storms, cocoons, the womb. As rebirth comes from letting go of what is no longer serving me, I recognize that I have to let go of old patterns to make room for new ones. It is through acknowledging the holes in the tapestry, that I am willing to do the work to repair the damage. Feeling a failure, or dwelling on a mistake doesn’t serve me, but recognizing it and exploring how to learn from it gives me a chance to grow from that.

It’s hard not to be processing these thoughts with the man who, over the last year, became my best friend. I feel sort of removed from the situation right now, maybe because I am filled with love and appreciation of friendship from my experiences with others today. But to break a pattern is hard and cold turkey is the worst. I suppose there will be withdrawls and I have friends in place to call when I know I’ll want to call or text him. But I truly hope someday we can share a closeness and a friendship where the intimate vulnerability we shared so freely can be a part of our relationship again.

A year ago yesterday I began a process of acknowledging and recognizing patterns within my family of origin. With this identification I began to explore: which of these serve me and which can I extricate from my ways of living? Through this work I also discovered the process of forgiveness, and the value of accepting a reality as it is, not living in a fantasy of what isn’t. I began to consciously work on my communication with others so that I could clearly express my experience and be more present to hear theirs, catching myself on the stories I tell myself of what could be happening for them, and asking more questions. I believe I’ve found a lot of peace in this work and hope to continue to grow in my understandings of who I am and how I’d like to be in this life. Maybe this makes me unusual, but I do hope it becomes more usual, and that by sharing my experience, others can find safety in their vulnerabilities as well.