Tonight is the first to myself in over a week and a half. The
silence is strange and beautiful. As much as I often resist it (filling it with
distractions), I've become very accustomed to my Hannah-time. I am so happy to
be done with my summer courses; they were great (save one that we'll call Dr.
Rectum's course) and I learned a LOT! I wish they had been full term classes
but as they were prereq's it's good to just have 'em finished. I learned a lot
about myself in the process and relearned that I love to write and that I am
good at it. In the online forums I also got a lot of support from peers as an
academic in terms of my (ideal and shared) study habits, routines, outline
structures, and pure support of my writing style and perspective. As a dear
friend pointed out, it's time for me to get a new mirror, I want to see what
the world sees in me.
As the evening shifted to night I sat with myself rather than
turning on netflix or Facebook. Intellectually I know that I already have the
qualities I strive for in myself - the danger is I want to perfect them and
have them be attainable ALWAYS. In my jewelry class I learned that "better
is the enemy of good." I think there are many aspects of my past that have
brought me to struggle with self-acceptance, and I don't know that my situation
is worse than anyone else's, but I do know that it is hard for me. As I looked
at my reflection behind my alter of candles, pictures, and affirmations, I saw
the person who several others DO see and wondered how she becomes so lost in
the chaos of my expectations of her. These days the support I receive from
friends helps me to push through the negative thoughts I have and the combative
beliefs from people in my life who I don't believe understand who I am or what
I'm doing. It's actually hard to write this, knowing they could read it, but I
want to stand within my integrity and honor my own process.
One tool I've been using to process difficult situations is thinking
about it or talking myself through it as though I were talking to my
twelve-year-old mentee. With all my understanding of human development,
neurology, psychology, and sociology, what would I want her to hear? I often find that I have wise and encouraging words for her that generally double in reflection for
myself. I understand the core of all our searching to be a desire to be loved
and seen and heard. This starts with infancy and develops through adolescence
and into adult relationships. It's hard stuff - mainly because we collect so
many negative habits formed out of mindless action. I wish I could say, "I
am- ACTUALLY, no.. I WILL say: I am being more mindful in my life on a very basic
level and it feels profound. The smallest of details, given my gentle attention,
become precious and worthy of care. In turn I feel more vulnerable in general,
which has been terrifying at times and thrilling at others. I believe this
humbling, gentle, compassionate approach to life allows me to live from my
heart and be the person I am truly meant to be.
Paradoxically, as I am becoming more sensitive to my experiences
in this life, I am working to recognize a more balanced scale of response to
the upsets. If a "10" is a tsunami that wiped out everything I own
and everyone I love; then a "1" is: oopsie-daisy, I spilled some
water. The pattern I've developed over my lifetime is to respond in the higher
numbers to very insignificant events. Finding the strength and courage to
acknowledge this pattern and begin to shift it has given me a lot of confidence
in my ability to approach difficult or scary situations. I grew up with two
very prominent ways to deal with problems: 1) blow them completely out of
proportion and then 2) pretend they never happened. So far, this has not served
me well at all! Time for something new.
I really appreciate the visualization of rewiring neurons in my
brain. Considering that until now my patterns and habits have had a certain
pathway that automatically fires when I encounter stress or undesirable circumstances,
it's empowering to understand that what I need to do is build a new pathway and
practice going down that new pathway so it becomes the new automatic response.
MUCH easier said than done (though that wasn't entirely easy to explain and I'm
not even sure it's comprehensible... though I hope it is.) This will be my work
as an occupational therapist with others who are struggling. I feel so grateful
to be taking the time now to do this work myself so I can be more empathetic
with clients down the road.
I know that everyone does not have the luxury or life structure
to create space for this type of work. We all have our priorities and everyone
is entitled to a different set of understandings for what we (as people in this
culture) need to accomplish and how to do that. One of the key understandings
that I have is that there is no "right" way, and I am certainly
working on not forcing my way on someone else (even if I am right! (just
kidding.)(sort of.)(no really though, joking.)) I am learning that in order to
learn and grow, we must each have our own experience and I am coming to
understand the value of failure in the form of falling on one's face. As long
as I "support" another by redirecting an undesirable behavior, they can never
experience on their own that the result is in fact undesirable. A very
small-scale example would be with the baby I care for: she is in the habit,
very naturally and biologically, of putting everything in her mouth. As long as
it won't hurt her or make her sick, I am letting her do it and today she
figured out that certain things are truly icky!
I
came across this awesome video (link below) and while the content itself does not apply to everyone, the message is very clear. We are each entitled to live
the life we imagine and I know that I, personally, am so grateful for all the
support I've been receiving along the way. As I expand the limits of my heart
and make space for error and compassion, I hope to shine a light into the
world, encouraging whole-hearted living.
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