Save tonight, fight the break of dawn

I went to spend a few days on the farm down in Picton with the community to get a chance to experience their lifestyle and talk to some more people. I felt myself crack open a bit more letting walls down and inviting my new friends in. What an amazing thing it is to be in a place where I feel safe to be vulnerable in exposing who I am and what I'm thinking and how I feel. I haven't felt judgment or pressure from them in staying with them but not joining them and I'm so grateful for that. I feel I've grown exponentially as a person and I hope in the depths of my heart that I can not only hold onto what I've learned but continue to peel away the old layers and lay down a new, strong foundation from a genuine desire to be honest, compassionate and loving person. It's going to be so hard to pull myself away from these amazing people who I've fallen in love with individually and as a community. I predict many letters, envelopes and stamps in my future. And that's about all I know of my future right now! With less than two weeks left, I'm getting so excited about going home though I don't really have a plan from there! How exhilarating! (This sounds just like how I felt a year ago in preparation to come to Australia!! Everything turned out the way it needed to then, and I am learning to trust that it will continue to do so.)

At the farm I really enjoyed waking up to pick big, gorgeous, green greens!! They use silver-beet (chard), kale and broccoli greens in their amazing green drink and green bars. I also got to lend a hand in the green drink preparation- washing the greens and apples and weighing them into buckets. I got a blister chopping the apples and couldn't work out whether my mother would be proud for so much chopping or if I should've known better and held the knife differently! I went to the market one day selling fresh bread, green bars and green drink and it was 47 degrees!!!!! I could've melted! It was an amazing contrast to starting the day with the cool of the morning on the beach with the sunrise. Working in the cafe I thought of Mimi because this one woman was so grateful as she was leaving she touched my arm gently and patted it saying thank you. It was definitely something Mimi would do. I am very much looking forward to seeing my family!!

It's been so incredible to be living and loving with the depths of my heart turned out towards my new friends. It feels much like relationships in the past have felt. And like those, the point of severing is deeply painful. It's hard to break away from someone I've been welding myself around. We all want to be loved, and I know for me, I forget, initially, about the pain of pulling away when I discover that magnetism for the first time (..again.) The feeling is all too familiar and yet somehow I know I will pour my heart out again and again, it's just my nature. Sometimes I think it might be easier if I weren't such a sensitive and compassionate person -so I wouldn't have to feel the pain that couples it- But I couldn't live with myself being shallow like lonely ghosts of past experiences. I can only hope to cultivate like-minded people who would embrace me and share their hearts with me too. I remember when I discovered the word vulnerable it struck a chord in me explaining things I never understood. (I did a report on the word itself for an English class.) I wish for the world to learn how to love deeply and practice compassion and forgiveness. And truly, I hope to continue to grow in these ways myself.

There's only 8 days until my flight..and much to do! And so many people I want to spend time with and learn from and continue to share my love with. I barely have a minute to myself because I'm so engaged soaking up the wonderful experience of being here and yet it's a balance trying to deal with the logistics of getting home smoothly. Auntie K was so helpful in my departure, I'm channeling her as I prepare to return home. It was wonderful to have lunch with my adopted friends from Steph in Sydney and they were even able to help me through a bit of a travel hiccup. And I introduced Justine to the ways of central station!

There's so much more I want to share but I'd rather spend my precious last moments with my friends here and save the stories for a cuppa tea! One of the men in the community is leaving today to go back to the farm and he's been an amazing support in my journey. This morning a Russian couple led a handful of us in some yoga which was entertaining as well as a great way to start the day! I'm happy I stuck around hoping Sarah's bubba would wake up because they brought out a delicious gluten free, vegan, raw chocolate moose cake to share! Best way to start the day! Eat dessert first! Hopping over to the cafe now. Love to everyone back home..see you soon!!