As I left a dear friend’s house tonight she called out to me, “I love you Hannah. You’re unusual.” I suppose I could interpret this many ways but as I responded with, “thank you,” I embraced the courage and clarity I felt in having discussed my deepest vulnerabilities with my 70+ year old friends over dinner on a random Tuesday night. I suppose tonight wasn’t such a random night as it came after a series of difficult events leading to this very moment in time, but to the rest of the world, what is Tuesday June 2nd? Other than the strawberry full moon, apparently.
Today as I pulled up my body weight against the smooth cold boulders making up what Southern Oregon calls Pilot Rock, I felt it was time to start up my blogging again. So maybe I’m not on some spectacular grand adventure, exploring lands unknown with amazing pictures to show for it. But instead I am exploring deeper and deeper within myself, developing access to my most authentic self. I find this worth sharing, especially if anyone else can gain inspiration or insight from it. So maybe I’m unusual, does that mean I have something unique to share with the world? I’d like to think so. But perhaps not, and in that case, I am documenting my own experience and enjoying the opportunity to write out my thoughts, ideas, and experiences.
Today seems like a pivotal day for my life to begin, again. Having finally gathered up enough understanding and courage, I separated myself from the man I love, in order to grow in healthier ways toward the woman I’d like to become. While intellectually I know the decision was the right one for me right now, it still hurts so deeply. After spending my everyday with someone for the past year, expressing and exposing our most vulnerable selves to be considered and questioned, the silence today was excruciating. It’s as though a piece of my heart is missing from inside me. Perhaps, I really do give of myself so much that when I step back, a bit remains. As I explore my codependent tendencies, I wonder how much of this is unhealthy, how much of it learned.
I gained my final reassurance that I needed to step out of this relationship as I read Kimberley Patton’s commencement speech to Harvard Divinity School in 2005. She speaks of the broken heart and how darkness is the place in which new growth is found. I am reminded of seeds, rain storms, cocoons, the womb. As rebirth comes from letting go of what is no longer serving me, I recognize that I have to let go of old patterns to make room for new ones. It is through acknowledging the holes in the tapestry, that I am willing to do the work to repair the damage. Feeling a failure, or dwelling on a mistake doesn’t serve me, but recognizing it and exploring how to learn from it gives me a chance to grow from that.
It’s hard not to be processing these thoughts with the man who, over the last year, became my best friend. I feel sort of removed from the situation right now, maybe because I am filled with love and appreciation of friendship from my experiences with others today. But to break a pattern is hard and cold turkey is the worst. I suppose there will be withdrawls and I have friends in place to call when I know I’ll want to call or text him. But I truly hope someday we can share a closeness and a friendship where the intimate vulnerability we shared so freely can be a part of our relationship again.
A year ago yesterday I began a process of acknowledging and recognizing patterns within my family of origin. With this identification I began to explore: which of these serve me and which can I extricate from my ways of living? Through this work I also discovered the process of forgiveness, and the value of accepting a reality as it is, not living in a fantasy of what isn’t. I began to consciously work on my communication with others so that I could clearly express my experience and be more present to hear theirs, catching myself on the stories I tell myself of what could be happening for them, and asking more questions. I believe I’ve found a lot of peace in this work and hope to continue to grow in my understandings of who I am and how I’d like to be in this life. Maybe this makes me unusual, but I do hope it becomes more usual, and that by sharing my experience, others can find safety in their vulnerabilities as well.
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