Perhaps it is my fond appreciation of JK Rowling's adventures that has me convinced I have a unique mission to take out into the world. This coupled with someone I love dearly expressing his regret that he once felt he was going to take on the world but never met his own expectations for this feat; though he was certain it wasn't too late for me. I'm not even sure what the expedition would entail, but I certainly know it's somehow related to learning and living experienced through mindfulness. I am continually amazed at how I come to these realizations of myself and understandings of how life is, considering the background of dynamics I experienced growing up.
I am currently taking a world religions class as a requirement at Dominican University and it's been fascinating to read about Hinduism and Buddhism so far. I'd never thought much about it but the Buddha was just a man, and claimed as much. He refused to be turned into a god because it would take away from the point he was trying to convey to everyone which I understand to be: this is the way in which we all need to and are capable of living! A wonderful example of being present in life and appreciative of what is. What I appreciate about Judaism is the continual search for meaning; the exploration and discussion (and maybe dissection) of understanding and making connections with the loose ends. Studying Christianity baffled me most of all, having been raised Catholic, I was fascinated by all that I didn't know. Just the little details of paying attention to the aspects of language, approach, and message throughout the greater lessons which are more familiar. I'm rereading the book Mister God This is Anna and the thrilling excitement of a small child full of wonder and curiosity for the world has ignited my own. I feel present and humbled by so much.
Last weekend I attended my auntie's graduation with her master's in education. An outstanding accomplishment for all she struggled with along the way- teenage daughters, divorce, full time job teaching preschoolers, putting her house on the market, and simply being a participant in our family! Most inspirational to me, is that she did it with an generous and grateful heart and continues to be so compassionate and she laughs so freely! I have admired her most of my life and she is so much of who I aspire to be. I admit there were some rough years between us as I struggled with my own demons and I am beyond grateful to have her back in my life. My current journey is also toward a masters degree- mine in occupational therapy.
In the next three years I will go to school full time and don't plan to work except occasional childcare, and will earn my bachelors and masters by the time I'm 30. Not the traditional path of a college student but I'm happy I'm doing it and I wouldn't trade anything for the years I've lived up until now. I do truly feel I've lived several very different lives when I look back with fascination at my choices and experiences and friendships. One of my oldest and dearest friends and I were reflecting yesterday at how it really does take different experiences: travel, new people, diverse exposure, in order for one to really change in a significant way. If we maintain the same lifestyle pattern for ten years, there isn't much to learn. I suppose this is why I'm so grateful for all I've done. I believe the curves and edges of who I am would not be defined in the way they are now if not for the things I went through to get here. And, I am so happy to say, I like who I am today. I love me! It's been a long, hard road to come to that sentence wholeheartedly. But today I am doing the things that make me feel happy, safe, healthy and balanced; I am surrounded by a wonderful support system; I am practicing acceptance around interactions with others especially those closest to my heart.
This weekend I made the road trip north to my family for a third time this month to celebrate the life of my great auntie, my grandmother's sister, who we all loved so dearly. I've always considered myself fortunate to have such a tight knit bond at the helm of our family tree. My grandmother and her three sisters have always been each other's best friends. And they have all been through so much. It's inspirational to witness their love, acceptance, understanding, and forgiveness of each other. Maybe I should stop trying to come to connect with and appreciate my two sisters in the way my grandma and her sisters have as though it were a goal to reach, and instead realize the journey of getting to know and love someone is a life's process.
If there were a scale to depict mindfulness and joy of the people I know, I could very clearly place certain people at each end (and scattered throughout the middle.) Those on the (let's call it enlightened) side of the scale are older (than me) and have experienced a lot at a deep, wholehearted level. There has been much more resistance to truth on the opposite end. Maybe this is why I am so eager to know the truths of life. Tricky though, because much of this is not known with the mind, but experienced through the center of the heart. Again, if I continue to let myself feel inadequate for not reaching the level of (enlightenment) that I'd like to, and have seen is possible, I can never reach satisfaction, for those people will always (hopefully) continue to learn and experience and grow. What I need to do is set small goals for myself and let go of comparison. Ironically, my "goal" for right now is to find acceptance in my life, in my relationships, and in this blog post which is fully of run-on-sentences!! (I'm gonna have to let go of that issue if I'm going to post these more often: This is not a college paper and there isn't a grade, Hannah, write out your thoughts and set them free...)
No comments:
Post a Comment