So it's fare-thee-well, my own true love

Following my 10,000th day on the planet, and embarking on the journey that will shift my life into what it is to become, I am shifting my entire life's focus into the world of OT. I believe it is going to become all-consuming anyway, so I might as well grab the bull by the horns and hold on tight! I am embracing the life I am designing for myself and a piece of that comes with the focus of my blogging. I am officially shifting over to an OT related blog where I can reflect on my experience, my journey in grad school, the resources and references I gather, the connections I make, the foundation I build, and the excitement and challenges of the process.

After my first day of classes I have a massive headache (from too much learning!?) but a bright and excited spirit and desire to continue to thrive. I am thrilled to finally be on the journey I set out for two years ago, built on all the work and experiences I've had up to this point. Everything I've done has helped create who I am today- how fascinating is that!? I was reflecting tonight to a friend that I had a great first day, but the most bizarre part, is that I'll be doing it all again tomorrow. This is my life now! I am a student! And I'm so excited. I am certain today was the easiest day of my entire academic career in this grad program, especially considering my neurology class doesn't start until tomorrow.

So sayonara RealGirl and Konnichiwa LittleMissOT...
http://littlemissot.blogspot.com/

you may say I'm a dreamer

Tonight is the first to myself in over a week and a half. The silence is strange and beautiful. As much as I often resist it (filling it with distractions), I've become very accustomed to my Hannah-time. I am so happy to be done with my summer courses; they were great (save one that we'll call Dr. Rectum's course) and I learned a LOT! I wish they had been full term classes but as they were prereq's it's good to just have 'em finished. I learned a lot about myself in the process and relearned that I love to write and that I am good at it. In the online forums I also got a lot of support from peers as an academic in terms of my (ideal and shared) study habits, routines, outline structures, and pure support of my writing style and perspective. As a dear friend pointed out, it's time for me to get a new mirror, I want to see what the world sees in me. 

As the evening shifted to night I sat with myself rather than turning on netflix or Facebook. Intellectually I know that I already have the qualities I strive for in myself - the danger is I want to perfect them and have them be attainable ALWAYS. In my jewelry class I learned that "better is the enemy of good." I think there are many aspects of my past that have brought me to struggle with self-acceptance, and I don't know that my situation is worse than anyone else's, but I do know that it is hard for me. As I looked at my reflection behind my alter of candles, pictures, and affirmations, I saw the person who several others DO see and wondered how she becomes so lost in the chaos of my expectations of her. These days the support I receive from friends helps me to push through the negative thoughts I have and the combative beliefs from people in my life who I don't believe understand who I am or what I'm doing. It's actually hard to write this, knowing they could read it, but I want to stand within my integrity and honor my own process.

One tool I've been using to process difficult situations is thinking about it or talking myself through it as though I were talking to my twelve-year-old mentee. With all my understanding of human development, neurology, psychology, and sociology, what would I want her to hear? I often find that I have wise and encouraging words for her that generally double in reflection for myself. I understand the core of all our searching to be a desire to be loved and seen and heard. This starts with infancy and develops through adolescence and into adult relationships. It's hard stuff - mainly because we collect so many negative habits formed out of mindless action. I wish I could say, "I am- ACTUALLY, no.. I WILL say: I am being more mindful in my life on a very basic level and it feels profound. The smallest of details, given my gentle attention, become precious and worthy of care. In turn I feel more vulnerable in general, which has been terrifying at times and thrilling at others. I believe this humbling, gentle, compassionate approach to life allows me to live from my heart and be the person I am truly meant to be.

Paradoxically, as I am becoming more sensitive to my experiences in this life, I am working to recognize a more balanced scale of response to the upsets. If a "10" is a tsunami that wiped out everything I own and everyone I love; then a "1" is: oopsie-daisy, I spilled some water. The pattern I've developed over my lifetime is to respond in the higher numbers to very insignificant events. Finding the strength and courage to acknowledge this pattern and begin to shift it has given me a lot of confidence in my ability to approach difficult or scary situations. I grew up with two very prominent ways to deal with problems: 1) blow them completely out of proportion and then 2) pretend they never happened. So far, this has not served me well at all! Time for something new. 

I really appreciate the visualization of rewiring neurons in my brain. Considering that until now my patterns and habits have had a certain pathway that automatically fires when I encounter stress or undesirable circumstances, it's empowering to understand that what I need to do is build a new pathway and practice going down that new pathway so it becomes the new automatic response. MUCH easier said than done (though that wasn't entirely easy to explain and I'm not even sure it's comprehensible... though I hope it is.) This will be my work as an occupational therapist with others who are struggling. I feel so grateful to be taking the time now to do this work myself so I can be more empathetic with clients down the road. 

I know that everyone does not have the luxury or life structure to create space for this type of work. We all have our priorities and everyone is entitled to a different set of understandings for what we (as people in this culture) need to accomplish and how to do that. One of the key understandings that I have is that there is no "right" way, and I am certainly working on not forcing my way on someone else (even if I am right! (just kidding.)(sort of.)(no really though, joking.)) I am learning that in order to learn and grow, we must each have our own experience and I am coming to understand the value of failure in the form of falling on one's face. As long as I "support" another by redirecting an undesirable behavior, they can never experience on their own that the result is in fact undesirable. A very small-scale example would be with the baby I care for: she is in the habit, very naturally and biologically, of putting everything in her mouth. As long as it won't hurt her or make her sick, I am letting her do it and today she figured out that certain things are truly icky! 

I came across this awesome video (link below) and while the content itself does not apply to everyone, the message is very clear. We are each entitled to live the life we imagine and I know that I, personally, am so grateful for all the support I've been receiving along the way. As I expand the limits of my heart and make space for error and compassion, I hope to shine a light into the world, encouraging whole-hearted living.

https://www.facebook.com/KhhkYakima/videos/964505813569882/?pnref=story

I'm gonna celebrate being alive

I think we can only change if we recognize and acknowledge that changes need to be made. I don't think much can change in a person without conscious effort, except for a reactionary shift from a traumatic event. As I lie reading my new copy of 39 Ways to Open Your Heart; an illuminated meditation, I was reflecting on where I am in my life now. One of the pages read, (about your heart) "support it's decisions." After much debate, and struggle, and confusion, and complication, I am truly on the path that my heart chose: to be an occupational therapist. Two summers ago, having returned from Australia in February with a jumble of ideas of what life really meant, I wasn't sure what my next steps were. Did I want to settle in Oregon again, or elsewhere? Could I make enough money as a waitress to head to South America for the winter? How much did I want to delve into the past to bring about reconciliation? Basically, I was lost and confused. Fortunately, I was also beginning to build what has become a beautiful support system for myself in friends and family. I was beginning to become more honest about how my actions affect others and how gratitude can go such a long way! 

In the spring I'd gathered with a group of three other women and we did some spiritual/emotional, personal reflection work together with a workbook; this would soon prove to provide enormous support in my desire to have intimate friendships with women, something I'd struggled with most of my life. At the completion of this work it became clear to me that I was ready for some big changes, more importantly, some big commitments. Applying to Dominican University (for the second time since high school) was a way for me to clarify what I truly desired; in the meantime I needed to wrap up my associate of science degree in early childhood education at Rogue Community College. While part of me was prepared to put my desire to run my own preschool to sleep, there was a huge need for the many years of homework, tests, and practicum to amount up to something significant. I hounded through several required classes through my first Ashland summer (completing homework by the pool made the laws of physics only slightly more palatable) and continued through my move down to the Bay Area. I completed my degree in December 2014. Following the hope that Dominican would accept me, I then proceeded with the required prerequisites for their program; it seemed the days of homework would never end- 5 more years of it?? ugh.

Well, Dominican did accept me (again), and they said I could start in the fall if I took anatomy and physiology and art and  health ethics over the summer. Did I mention my lack of funding for this project? Everyone kept saying that taking out loans for school is an investment in yourself. In my mind it was a ginormous investment no matter who was benefitting, but something in my heart was determined to continue. I did opt to defer my enrollment so I could take on the sciences with space to breathe - turned out chemistry was a requirement as well, and I'm glad I spread it all out. Instead I spent the summer in a program that has proved to be the greatest investment in myself so far.

This reflection on what the last few years of my life have been like and where I am now started in my car driving home. In high school -9 years ago- one of my closest friends and I made a set of cds, compiling all our friend's favorite songs. There were ten of us in the group and man! did we have different taste in music! I think it came out to a womping 8 cd compilation of rock, rap, country, pop, classic, oldies, newbies, woobies... all in no-particular order. It's actually pretty humorous to listen to. And yet, after so many trips up and down the I-5 making trips from home to what became "home," I know almost all the words to most of the songs to this day. Music is a powerful thing. Even just listening to the songs brings sweet thoughts of days that feel far behind me, and friends who I held dear at a pivotal time in my life. Today my CDs are mainly audiobooks, but I'll still pop in a mix tape every once in a while.

Having just spent the evening of fourth of July with my dad, contemplating the point of the holiday earlier with a friend who was raised in France, I found myself considering that every day is a day to celebrate. I have so much to celebrate and be grateful for. I want to find a way to focus more on the present and less on what wasn't and isn't and what may or may not be. I'm learning that authenticity is key to gratitude is key to happiness. I've declared that my life's purpose is to be authentic and live from my heart. I am truly doing my best; and my best is always good enough. "Time moves so fast, there's no time for perfection," -thanks Brett Dennen, I think this should get this tattooed to my forehead.

Listen to your heart when (it's) calling (to) you

Sometimes adventure is in the beauty of appreciating the moment, sometimes we dig just a little below the surface and find gold. sometimes the line between acknowledging intuition and facing fears is one in the same. If my Mimi knew the adventures I'd been on in the last few days (today especially) she'd kill in fear that I might've died! But I didn't and I'm hear to tell the story. (Love you Meem!)

I spent a few days at my friend's new vacation home in central Oregon. It was a stunning place to be, truly it was like stepping into a hot, quiet, summertime heaven. The silence was unbelievable and the relaxation that settled upon me, most welcome. I barely managed to complete homework assignments, I even gained kudos from one professor for having the "issues of a smart person" in attempting to do my essay three levels deeper than most would've. That was satisfying. Especially considering I'm also dealing with a professor who seems to have a very large stick up... never mind. I lounged on the deck and in the swing, napped in the hammock and on the futon, walked through the forest, biked through endless sandy fire roads, and trekked to a stunning lazy river surrounded by lush marshland. Oregon is so darn beautiful! I noted how easy it was to sit, silently observing, with no need to DO anything amidst a body of water. This river was especially clear and cold, tempting me to take a dip.The rest of my experience was filled with friendship, support, giggles, conversations, connection, and love. We had snuggly naps in the middle of the day, reading 39 Ways to Open Your Heart -- I highly recommend this book to anyone intrigued; it has gorgeous watercolor images with sound wisdom encouraging living life from a place of surrender and acceptance. We shared scrumptious meals and delicious snacks. At 11pm last night I was intrigued by the (only) 30 minute bake time on the back of a package of brownies that called to me from deep in the cupboard when I was supposed to be doing homework...they were delicious! During lunch today we observed a fawn and herd of does bounding along the property, exploring and appreciating the shade. Her little whimper was so sweet and sounded a bit like a cat. I wouldn't have heard it if it were not for the dead silence of the surroundings- it's a truly amazing place.While I insisted I never wanted to leave, responsibilities called and around 4pm I started to make headway on packing. I found many distractions. 
By the time I did get on the road the sky was thick with grey clouds, the air still, hot, and humid, a storm lurking on the horizon. As soon as I got to the highway out of the trees I was stunned at the gorgeous cloud-scape. I found a place to pull over across a railroad track where I could lie on the hood of my car and look up at the bubbling clouds and lightening streaking across the sky. The sound of the thunder was phenomenal. It was confirmed then and there that one of my most favorite things in the world is a thunder storm (ironic, as in the movie, the song is meant to soothe the children during a storm!) As it wasn't raining I took a few pictures but they didn't even compare to the sunset I witnessed a couple hours later! With the clouds still billowing? pillowing? poppleing? They were growing from within themselves, a fantastic kaleidoscope of shapes forming before my eyes, and the sun shining up at them high in the sky from it's settled spot below the horizon I could see, it was like magic. Truly, there were so many moments today when it just felt like I was in the right place at the right time. Whether that means I'm on the right path, or I have good karma, or I'm simply grounded and in tune with each step, or all coincidence, it doesn't matter, because it was a beautiful day!

The part Mimi wouldn't like (other than lying on the hood of my car on the side of a backroads highway to enjoy a storm and sunset) was the waterfall... I had a couple hours to go on a straight road lined with tall pines when I saw a sign for a waterfall a mile up the road; I spontaneously turned off. It was a very rough road and I told myself these were the type of adventures Subarus are made for! It was a two mile bumpy jostle to the car park (as they would say in Australia!) A bit of the way down a truck pulled out of a driveway and turned in behind me. Instinctively my guard was up and I locked my doors - because who else is going down this way to a waterfall at 7:30 at night (it gets dark at 9) and I am a woman alone in my car with no phone service. Hannah-alerts activated.

I drove on though, searching for inner confidence, as there was nowhere to turn around anyway. I saw the turnoff for the car park and signaled off and drove slowly down the road. When I parked my car I waited a few minutes to see if anyone was coming, but no one did. It was then I took in the beauty of my surroundings. Stunning forest, dense, damp, dark. I checked the time, 7:50. I remembered it was still light at 8:15 last night while exploring the fish hatchery, so I set off, bounding down the path toward the waterfall, flashlight and keys in hand. I felt like a fairy child, leaping over branches, breathing in the fresh air. It was wonderful! I could hear the crashing of the waterfall and my excitement grew. As the path wound around I caught glimpses of a river and felt the air grow cooler and wet. 

As I came to head of the waterfall I was reminded of the book: one of the ways to open your heart is to climb to the source of a waterfall. My heart opened and grew! I felt so clear and confident and happy. Grateful for my sense of spontaneity and adventure, along with my confidence and willingness to take risks with basic precautions. I tried to take a picture but seemed to have failed. I wanted to linger and enjoy but was afraid of losing light and the mosquitos were viscous!! It seemed the storm caught up to me just as I began to head back up the hill. In a downpour of rain, I charged back up the pineneedled-path, leaping with joy and satisfaction. It isn't every day one sees the power of a massive waterfall. It must've been one hundred feet up! I actually nearly slipped on the log climbing away from the overhang and it occurred to me that if I slipped it would be a long shot that anyone find me...(but I didn't, Mimi.)

Driving the rest of the way home was a breeze, so gratifying to be amidst Oregon's beauty. I hope to make it a habit of making a trip here every year. There's so much more to say and yet so much that cannot be conveyed. I don't have any major plans for this summer, but seeing as tonight was so spontaneous, maybe plans aren't necessary to enjoy the heck out of life! I am off on the rogue river tomorrow, better get some sleep...

 I didn't try too hard, the beauty was meant to be experienced.

(I think you can enlarge these)
The colors were stunning, storm to the right.

The storm and the moon!

Just Around the Riverbend

Perhaps it is my fond appreciation of JK Rowling's adventures that has me convinced I have a unique mission to take out into the world. This coupled with someone I love dearly expressing his regret that he once felt he was going to take on the world but never met his own expectations for this feat; though he was certain it wasn't too late for me. I'm not even sure what the expedition would entail, but I certainly know it's somehow related to learning and living experienced through mindfulness. I am continually amazed at how I come to these realizations of myself and understandings of how life is, considering the background of dynamics I experienced growing up.

I am currently taking a world religions class as a requirement at Dominican University and it's been fascinating to read about Hinduism and Buddhism so far. I'd never thought much about it but the Buddha was just a man, and claimed as much. He refused to be turned into a god because it would take away from the point he was trying to convey to everyone which I understand to be: this is the way in which we all need to and are capable of living! A wonderful example of being present in life and appreciative of what is. What I appreciate about Judaism is the continual search for meaning; the exploration and discussion (and maybe dissection) of understanding and making connections with the loose ends. Studying Christianity baffled me most of all, having been raised Catholic, I was fascinated by all that I didn't know. Just the little details of paying attention to the aspects of language, approach, and message throughout the greater lessons which are more familiar. I'm rereading the book Mister God This is Anna and the thrilling excitement of a small child full of wonder and curiosity for the world has ignited my own. I feel present and humbled by so much.


Last weekend I attended my auntie's graduation with her master's in education. An outstanding accomplishment for all she struggled with along the way- teenage daughters, divorce, full time job teaching preschoolers, putting her house on the market, and simply being a participant in our family! Most inspirational to me, is that she did it with an generous and grateful heart and continues to be so compassionate and she laughs so freely! I have admired her most of my life and she is so much of who I aspire to be. I admit there were some rough years between us as I struggled with my own demons and I am beyond grateful to have her back in my life. My current journey is also toward a masters degree- mine in occupational therapy. 


In the next three years I will go to school full time and don't plan to work except occasional childcare, and will earn my bachelors and masters by the time I'm 30. Not the traditional path of a college student but I'm happy I'm doing it and I wouldn't trade anything for the years I've lived up until now. I do truly feel I've lived several very different lives when I look back with fascination at my choices and experiences and friendships. One of my oldest and dearest friends and I were reflecting yesterday at how it really does take different experiences: travel, new people, diverse exposure, in order for one to really change in a significant way. If we maintain the same lifestyle pattern for ten years, there isn't much to learn. I suppose this is why I'm so grateful for all I've done. I believe the curves and edges of who I am would not be defined in the way they are now if not for the things I went through to get here. And, I am so happy to say, I like who I am today. I love me! It's been a long, hard road to come to that sentence wholeheartedly. But today I am doing the things that make me feel happy, safe, healthy and balanced; I am surrounded by a wonderful support system; I am practicing acceptance around interactions with others especially those closest to my heart.


This weekend I made the road trip north to my family for a third time this month to celebrate the life of my great auntie, my grandmother's sister, who we all loved so dearly. I've always considered myself fortunate to have such a tight knit bond at the helm of our family tree. My grandmother and her three sisters have always been each other's best friends. And they have all been through so much. It's inspirational to witness their love, acceptance, understanding, and forgiveness of each other. Maybe I should stop trying to come to connect with and appreciate my two sisters in the way my grandma and her sisters have as though it were a goal to reach, and instead realize the journey of getting to know and love someone is a life's process.


If there were a scale to depict mindfulness and joy of the people I know, I could very clearly place certain people at each end (and scattered throughout the middle.) Those on the (let's call it enlightened) side of the scale are older (than me) and have experienced a lot at a deep, wholehearted level. There has been much more resistance to truth on the opposite end. Maybe this is why I am so eager to know the truths of life. Tricky though, because much of this is not known with the mind, but experienced through the center of the heart. Again, if I continue to let myself feel inadequate for not reaching the level of (enlightenment) that I'd like to, and have seen is possible, I can never reach satisfaction, for those people will always (hopefully) continue to learn and experience and grow. What I need to do is set small goals for myself and let go of comparison. Ironically, my "goal" for right now is to find acceptance in my life, in my relationships, and in this blog post which is fully of run-on-sentences!! (I'm gonna have to let go of that issue if I'm going to post these more often: This is not a college paper and there isn't a grade, Hannah, write out your thoughts and set them free...)

They'll see us waving from such great heights

As I left a dear friend’s house tonight she called out to me, “I love you Hannah. You’re unusual.” I suppose I could interpret this many ways but as I responded with, “thank you,” I embraced the courage and clarity I felt in having discussed my deepest vulnerabilities with my 70+ year old friends over dinner on a random Tuesday night. I suppose tonight wasn’t such a random night as it came after a series of difficult events leading to this very moment in time, but to the rest of the world, what is Tuesday June 2nd?  Other than the strawberry full moon, apparently.

Today as I pulled up my body weight against the smooth cold boulders making up what Southern Oregon calls Pilot Rock, I felt it was time to start up my blogging again. So maybe I’m not on some spectacular grand adventure, exploring lands unknown with amazing pictures to show for it. But instead I am exploring deeper and deeper within myself, developing access to my most authentic self. I find this worth sharing, especially if anyone else can gain inspiration or insight from it. So maybe I’m unusual, does that mean I have something unique to share with the world? I’d like to think so. But perhaps not, and in that case, I am documenting my own experience and enjoying the opportunity to write out my thoughts, ideas, and experiences.

Today seems like a pivotal day for my life to begin, again. Having finally gathered up enough understanding and courage, I separated myself from the man I love, in order to grow in healthier ways toward the woman I’d like to become. While intellectually I know the decision was the right one for me right now, it still hurts so deeply. After spending my everyday with someone for the past year, expressing and exposing our most vulnerable selves to be considered and questioned, the silence today was excruciating. It’s as though a piece of my heart is missing from inside me. Perhaps, I really do give of myself so much that when I step back, a bit remains. As I explore my codependent tendencies, I wonder how much of this is unhealthy, how much of it learned.

I gained my final reassurance that I needed to step out of this relationship as I read Kimberley Patton’s commencement speech to Harvard Divinity School in 2005. She speaks of the broken heart and how darkness is the place in which new growth is found. I am reminded of seeds, rain storms, cocoons, the womb. As rebirth comes from letting go of what is no longer serving me, I recognize that I have to let go of old patterns to make room for new ones. It is through acknowledging the holes in the tapestry, that I am willing to do the work to repair the damage. Feeling a failure, or dwelling on a mistake doesn’t serve me, but recognizing it and exploring how to learn from it gives me a chance to grow from that.

It’s hard not to be processing these thoughts with the man who, over the last year, became my best friend. I feel sort of removed from the situation right now, maybe because I am filled with love and appreciation of friendship from my experiences with others today. But to break a pattern is hard and cold turkey is the worst. I suppose there will be withdrawls and I have friends in place to call when I know I’ll want to call or text him. But I truly hope someday we can share a closeness and a friendship where the intimate vulnerability we shared so freely can be a part of our relationship again.

A year ago yesterday I began a process of acknowledging and recognizing patterns within my family of origin. With this identification I began to explore: which of these serve me and which can I extricate from my ways of living? Through this work I also discovered the process of forgiveness, and the value of accepting a reality as it is, not living in a fantasy of what isn’t. I began to consciously work on my communication with others so that I could clearly express my experience and be more present to hear theirs, catching myself on the stories I tell myself of what could be happening for them, and asking more questions. I believe I’ve found a lot of peace in this work and hope to continue to grow in my understandings of who I am and how I’d like to be in this life. Maybe this makes me unusual, but I do hope it becomes more usual, and that by sharing my experience, others can find safety in their vulnerabilities as well.

 

Who Says You Can't Go Home

I guess there's no point in runnin' from it anymore, distractin' myself and such. I'm packin' up here in Ashland and headed back to the home I grew up in, in Pinole California. You'll have to forgive the southern slur, I've been watchin' a bit too much of a TV show but netflix just cut me off. Probably for the best. I should get some sleep because I have just one week to pack up and go. Seein' as I've been living here for the last eight years, I've really come to love the community and goodbyes aren't going to be easy either. It's going to be an emotional week.

This post probably comes as a surprise because what's the excitement of moving back to the bedroom of your childhood? Well, I don't plan to be there long. As I've been describing to those who are up to date with my story, I am planning to leave Ashland (which has wrapped it's flowered vines around my ankles and wrists holding me content to enjoy the beauty it has to offer) to go and set up camp where I won't feel quite so cozy. I'm hoping that will motivate me to figure out what's next in life because I'm certainly not findin' it here. As much as I appreciate the adventure of workin' at The Breadboard the last nine months, I'm ready to finish the endeavor I started and get a degree in something I'm passionate about. I just completed my associates degree in education at the community college here and plan to continue down that road along with a double major in occupational therapy. Feels good to set that goal on the record! I still hesitate there, mostly because I'm not sure WHERE I'll be pursuing these things. Which is WHY I'm leaving. I'm gonna go scope it out. The country that is. On my bike. (*Bicycle.)

*Have some drama and a cliff hanger why don't cha.... Can ya tell I've been watching too many sitcoms?